The Reason I am Terrified;

September 2, 2011
By , Mount Holly, NJ
I’ve been terrified of going to school for about 6 months now. I’m terrified of being made fun of, or talked about.

It all started one day in March. That March was a very hard month for me. All I did was cry, and I wasn’t eating. I had some major issues that weren’t noticed and I felt that nobody cared about me. I was sitting in art class; we had a substitute teacher and were watching some stupid movie. Somebody thought it would be funny to call me bulimic. I don’t know who started that rumor or why they even wanted to make fun of me. (But it did continue until June. And somehow nobody knew how it started.)

I am a loner and I sit alone in all of my classes, this day wasn’t anything different. I was reading my book and then I heard somebody say “I don’t know how she could’ve gotten skinny, she must be bulimic.” I looked up and I saw Tori staring at me with the dirtiest look I have ever seen in my entire life. I knew they were talking about me at that very second. I was taken back; I had no idea why they wanted to talk about me.

“Can I borrow your toothbrush?” Ewan asked me, and then made another comment to me about being bulimic; as I looked in a different direction, pretending not to listen. Somebody told him to stop because I would ‘snitch’ on him. Then he said “I hope she does so I can tell Mr. Tirico how big of a w**** she is!” After that I heard something to the affect of “She’s just going to go home and cut herself.”

I honestly don’t know how I wasn’t crying after the next comment he made, “I hope she kills herself.”

That seriously pissed me off. He had no idea that I had actually tried to kill myself before. He had no idea I wasn’t eating. He had no idea I was over-dosing on diet pills. If I wasn’t smart, I probably would’ve went home and slit my throat, because that’s how upset I really was. Do you think any of them cared? Do you think he would’ve felt bad? I know he wouldn’t have. And neither would the people who laughed when he made those comments.

And the sad thing is that’s not the worst part. He said something like that to the substitute about me, and she laughed. She f***ing laughed when he said those things. I didn’t tell anyone, in retrospect I really should have. I lost all respect for that woman as a person. I don’t understand how she could laugh when a student is being made fun of. I told my mom I didn’t like her because ‘Ewan told me she was talking about me in a bad way.’ I never told anybody about that. I didn’t think anybody would care.

That day tore me apart. To this day I am still terrified of going to school because of that. I’m so afraid that people are going to call me names behind my back, or even to my face. I am so afraid of the rumors and the people who have nothing better to do than make them up.

I start my freshman year of high school this Tuesday.

And I still feel the same way whenever I walk into a room. I feel like everyone is mocking me. That everyone hates me and thinks “Oh my gosh, she is so fat and ugly.” I am so insecure about everything I do and everywhere I go this follows me. I don’t have any friends. I am going to be walking into a big school with nothing. No confidence and nobody to call my ‘friend.’





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Leanne G. said...
Sept. 24, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Life can really suck when you're pretty sure that everyone else is talking about you, and you're sure everything notices everything that's wrong with you. Then you read advice online that says, "Tell your friends and they'll confort you." What friends? Last year everyone called me gay, and rasist. Write every insult down, tell a cousin, tell a mom, tell everyone, and since you told so many people, even if they don't give you any advice, at least you know someone knows what's ... (more »)
 
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