I think about suicide twice a day, and sometimes I try to do it but I never have the guts. I think about it, on a daily basis, and I actually believe it is the answer to my questions. It will let me relax; it will actually make me free.
But why?
Why do I think about committing suicide, is it because I can't stand life as we know it? Or is it just because I am pissed of life? Well it's none of these answers, and I assure you my answer is worth dying for.
Wouldn’t you want to die if you live in a shoe box, metaphorically speaking? Wouldn’t you want to die, if nothing you wish for, nothing you want, can happen? Wouldn’t you want to die, if everything you dream of must simply vanish so you can fulfill someone else's dream? Well believe me, yes you would.
I am a teenager, and yes I want to die.
Die, what an amazing word, so simple, so short but yet so meaningful. For now this is the most amazing word. Before I sleep at night, I take a deep breath hoping that I won't take another. Wondering what the afterlife would be like, that’s of course if there was an afterlife. I actually never believed in the afterlife, never believed in heaven or hell but since I started thinking about suicide I started believing. Believing that when I die, I will be sent to some kind of sky court, and I will be judged. And considering the sins I have made, most probably I'll be shipped to hell, where I will burn in misery.
That’s why whenever I am about die, from committing suicide I try to stop, fearing hell. Fearing that instead of becoming free, I would be imprisoned, I would be deprived from thinking about the word freedom. So instead of killing myself, of completing the process, I simply stop.
Reading this you might think I am crazy, but I am not, I'll prove it. I am as normal as can be, just a teenage girl with a dream. A dream, wish is simply to find the meaning of freedom.
What is freedom, I ask. I ask this question unaware of its answer, seriously what is freedom, and can someone answer me. Does anyone know its meaning or is it just a word we know but have never experienced. I am deprived from it. Is freedom a substance of our imagination, have we created it just to be filled with hope of eventually getting to it? Or is it real? Tell me, because I can't stand it anymore.
Sometimes I feel as if I am hunting, I am hunting a deer, but it's not just only me. Everyone is hunting for only one specific deer. We all want it, we all need it, but we can't all have it. Only one of us can capture this deer, only one of us can embrace it where as the rest well we are going to live our lives waiting for another deer.
I am a teenager struggling to find my freedom, struggling to capture that running deer, struggling to stay alive. I've always been a positive girl, never been so negative in my life but I really don’t know what's wrong with me. I am a girl with a dream, and one day I am going to fulfill this dream. One day I am going to be free, one day I am going to sleep waiting to wake up. One day everything is going to be FINE…
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday , someday everyhing is going to be okay.