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The Feeling Within
Tears rolled out of my eyes slowly, leaving a trail of water and makeup on my cheeks. My hair hung around my face, hiding myself easily from others. I didn’t want anyone to see me. Especially Jake, I thought. I just wanted to become invisible to the rest of the world. Invisible, not hiding. I was sick of hiding.
I looked out the window of the bus. The beautiful blue sky wasn’t enough to push thoughts out of my head and my blaring music couldn’t drown out the little voice telling me I was stupid for trusting people. Nothing could make me escape the horrible feeling he gave me.
The one I trusted so much. The one who hurt me more than I thought I could be hurt. He had reopened the scar I wore, making in bleed and become infected, filling me with dread. He, with the sandy hair and one blue eye and one green. The one whose talent sang to me, literally. His guitar was like a siren’s call, beautiful, but deadly. The one…who I thought I loved was really a hurtful, manipulative, creepy bastard. He used my innocence to lure me into his spiraling trap that soon turned my own mind against me. His words twisted in my head, echoing over and over again, never letting me go. My mind was an abyss that I was no longer in control of.
I blinked and more tears fell to my lap. It seemed as thought my heart and soul was pouring out through my eyes, making the once light, cheery green look dark and broken. I repositioned the bracelets on my wrist and the gloves on my hands. I was anxious…always cautious of the things around me. I could no longer trust anyone or anything. I was ruined.
Someone moved in the seat in front of me. My eyes flicked up quickly, making sure the person didn’t see. I bowed my head more, wiped my eyes on my sleeve and blushed. If it was any day that I didn’t want Jake to sit in front of me, it was today. I sighed and put on a thin smile. Maybe he would make me feel better. He usually did. Talking to him made me feel light and it gave me hope that I would someday find myself again.
I looked up at him. His blue eyes looked into mine, trying to read me. Good thing I learned how to hide. My stomach lightened a little, the knot in my throat disappeared. He smiled crookedly. I blushed more.
“Hey,” I mumbled, taking out an ear-bud to hear him.
“Hey,” he said back. He squinted his eyes a little, still trying to read me. “What’s up?”
I shrugged. “Oh, you know. Nothing much. You?”
“Same,” I nodded and he turned back to the front. Okay, so it was one of those days.
Jake’s personality was…difficult to figure out unless you really knew him. He was quiet; I don’t think I ever saw him without his music plugged in, even if someone was talking to him. He was tall and had blue eyes and brown hair. He often made me laugh and he seemed to make me feel better when I was low.
Seems as though today isn’t one of those days.
I plugged myself in again and tried to make the thoughts and memories disappear. Nothing worked, nothing ever would. They were burnt into my brain. The only way to get rid of them was to squish my brain out of my ears.
Two good things were coming out of today. It was the last day of school and he, Josh, was no longer around Claremont. He was gone; he could no longer stalk me or hurt me with his words and actions. I had a whole summer to recover.
* * * * * * *
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Okay, you healed a lot over the summer…and you had a whole month to see if he had a girlfriend and to see if you liked him. Come on…you have the movie picked out, the a-okay from dad, and the date. Just ask him already, you wimp, I thought to myself as I sat on the bus, arguing with myself whether to be a chicken or not.
Jake was in front of me, his I-pod exploding music, just like mine. Bats (my stomach butterflies) flew around nervously, my palms were clammy and my mind was running with a million different thoughts, each reaching the wrong destination. I never knew asking a boy out on a simple date could be so complicated.
I stepped off the bus; Jake was walking towards his friends. I can’t do this. No one but you will know that you chickened out. Just go up to the library and-
My hand reached out without being told to and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, a look of confusion on his face. Too late.
“Um, hey Jake,” I mumbled. I cleared out my throat. “Um, I was…uh, wondering if you would like to go to the movies with me on Friday?”
His look of confusion held its place on his face as he said, “Sure,”
What? Oh my Goddess, this is awesome, I thought. “As what?” my mouth said. Why couldn’t they have built the school next to a cliff? I felt like smacking myself in the forehead. I knew I wanted it as a date, and I just asked him “as what.” What was wrong with me?!
“Um, a date,” he looked tired, but I could see a little spark of humor in his eyes. Who wouldn’t laugh at someone asking “as what” when it came to asking someone out? Only I would do that. Ugh.
I wanted to look into his blue eyes, but was too embarrassed, so I looked at his hair instead. I nodded and laughed nervously.
“Um, okay. Uh…I’ll see you on Friday then?” I asked.
He nodded and I muttered a goodbye and practically ran inside. Even though I was extremely embarrassed, hoping that I didn’t just ruin something that could be great, I felt my soul lift up from hell and return to my body. I felt…renewed in a way. Like my life was finally going to get normal again. I had that feeling you get when you know that something is going to turn around for the better.
The feeling within myself was finally different. I was not as depressed and I no longer felt hopeless. I felt…happy. I hadn’t felt genuine happiness for a long time and I finally had something to look forward to. I felt like laughing, so I did.