The Things Good Girls Never Think

Why don’t you just tell me the truth? Why don’t you just say that you don’t want to come unless your best friend is there, that you never really were my friend? Why do you have to make up an excuse when you just tell me that you don’t want to come, because apparently being seen with me is hard for you? It’s not like I’m a horrible person, or maybe I am, but just because I don’t have a boyfriend, one that hangs with yours doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. It’s just too bad you’ve decided to let it be that way. It’s too bad that once you got a boyfriend you forgot who I was.
It just hurts is all, you know that pain, when you just feel like your friends don’t care anymore. When you just feel like giving up and maybe you drive a little too reckless on the way home because you could really care less if something happened to you at the moment. Or the times that you find a bump on you and suddenly your hoping it’s something bad, something horrible like cancer, so that people will be nice to you or so that you don’t have to be around anyone anymore. But I don’t want your lies, you can keep them, just tell me how you really feel and leave me alone. Go ahead and ignore me all the time, not just when your boyfriend is around.
You know I wonder sometimes if all of my supposed friends feel that way. They’re never there, shouldn’t they be able to see my cry for help beneath my fake smile? Why does everyone think that my life is so perfect? I don’t have friends who care, the only reason they even say they are my friends is because they want my homework.
I feel used everyday, I feel like maybe the world would be better without me, and I know that good girls aren’t supposed to think about that, but to hell with being a good girl. I could tell you millions of things about me that no one knows that label me differently. And I’m sure people have called me every name in the book, but most often I’m just a nerd. I’m the girl who goes to check out a book at the library and the librarian asks, “Oh, just one book today?” like I live in books. I’m the girl who people pretend they are friends with so that they can cheat off of me and get to be my partner for projects to pull them through to a good grade.
I don’t ever feel alive and maybe I just need to get away, but where am I supposed to go when I live in a 500 population town? Who am I supposed to turn to when I hurt so bad that I start thinking things that good girls never think? Why do I feel like crap all of the time and most importantly when will things get better? What do I have to do to get friends that will care about me? I’ve stuck up for people who have called me their friend, I’ve given them my everything, I’ve been their shoulder to cry on when they get dumped, I’ve always been there for everyone. When will someone stand up for me and tell me that my life is worth living and that I have friends? When will someone see the pain hidden in my eyes, the pain that comes bursting out in the middle of the night filled with tears of regret and loneliness? When will I be able to put a stop to the thoughts that good girls never think?





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