Dark and Sinister People

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The world is an awful place. Full of cruelty, death and unruly punishment. Full of negative neurotic people! They all have one goal, to get all the money, and have total WORLD DOMINATION!

Though there are people in this torn up sphere, that are definitely one in a million. Then God screws everything up, and steals them from our grasps. And don’t tell me he has his rights, because he DOES NOT own me! Nor anyone else in this GodForSaken place.

So when God comes down and steals the pavement from beneath my feet, I’m lost. Dropped into a black hole that gets deeper and deeper as I try to claw my way out.

The world is full of people. Yet at the end of the day, it all comes down to those you love. Why is it that the person you seem to need so badly is the one He decides to take away? He was the one that disappeared from life, and God is no longer worth even the time of day.

The spot where he always sat, seems empty without him. A spot that once brought safety warmth and comfort, now sends chills down your spine and makes you turn away in horror at the truth behind such a simple thing. A place I once sat with him, just to be next to him and feel his presence. I sat and rested my head on his shoulder, watched M.A.S.H. or cried my eyes out. Either way, he was there for me, always. His simple presence made the world safe.

You never felt less important than the next. Just him making you feel important, and the most special was the difference between suicide thoughts, and loving life! You were always HIS one in a million.

I remember the last time........
“Are you coming?” I asked. Hopeful the answer would be yes.
“Hun, I can’t. I worked all week and got home late last night.” seeing the let down I showed, he added, “But I’ll tell you what. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go out to eat tonight. Ok?” And with the look in his eye, I knew it was a promise, and next to the promise, the guilt was killing him.
“Alright, I’ll see you later then.” laying on the guilt thicker than Peanut Butter. I would guilt him till the night was over. He deserved to feel bad. It’s my basketball game, though the only one he has missed, it’s my last, and the toughest.
“Hey come over here. I’ve got something for you” as I turn, the look on his face is one of doubt as though he no longer thinks I’ll want his gift. I walk over and he pins a necklace around me neck. A gold chain with a gold heart on the end and tosses me a new basketball.

I grab the basketball, my sports bag and head for the door, sending no more than a light thanks over my shoulder. No way was he off the hook yet.
“Good luck! See you when you get home. I love you.”
“Ok then. Bye.” and I slammed the door behind me. My mind now totally focused on the game.
Ok then bye.
The last words I’d ever say to him.

Now that I truly need him, he’s out of reach. Just a blurry memory from my past. The fine details of his face slip away. First slowly and barely noticeable. The more and more rapidly, as if he was never really there, but was always no more than a figment of my imagination.

Figment of my imagination. That would fit better. Into this world, I mean come on. There cannot be someone so amazing on this earth. Though, he isn't on this earth. Maybe thats why I realized how amazing he was after I lost him. With him here, I couldn’t see him, as needed as he was, because he was here on this Earth. And Earth, life, is worse than hell itself.

He slips to no more than a name. The soul that inhabited the body of that name. The voice I hear telling me I can make it. The one giving me my life back, over and over again. The voice in echoing in my head right before I take that drink, accept that kiss, or hold that hand. The voice that echos loud and clear as if its truly being said telling me to stop.
No matter how many times I ask for an answer, ask for advice, beg for reasoning... I always fail to receive it.

The voice of reason inside my head, his voice, it’s always there, guiding me. Yet, there’s never an answer when I need it, but later, after i’ve screwed myself over, made a mistake I can’t fix, then, and only then, never sooner. I get the answer/help I was looking for. Instead of “You should.... ” it’s now “you should’ve....” I don’t know how to go back and fix it.
What He has stolen from me, if he had done it now, at this point in time... Would kill me. I Live each moment like your last. Savor every word, you may never get the chance to take it back.





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