my dark place

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That day was a normal day soon to be one of the worst. I was home with my sister Vanessa just waiting for my mom to come home. She comes home a little while later and she
looks like she had some bad news from the look of her face. She looked sad. She called me and my sisters and said to sit because she had something to tell us. My three younger sisters and my mom sat on the sofa and I sat on our rocking chair. All these things were racing in my mind did someone die, is someone really hurt?! Then she starts to tell us that are dad did something really bad. Pauses. He made a bad decision, and he's going to jail for attempted murder. All I hear is dad and murder. She tells use he tried to kill his ex girl friend. She was talking to my sisters about how they were doing and all i could think is my dads a monster. What sane person solves problems with trying to kill? I cried and my mom just talked trying to help.

I hated my parents for a while. I hated my mom for marrying a monster and putting me through what she did. Only now I know that nothing was her fault she can’t control my dad’s actions. My mom’s strong for leaving her husband even though she knew it was going to hurt her. I hate my dad, wait dad who? My dad is slowly turning into a memory of the past and I'm moving on from all the hurtful things he told me and my sisters. It’s still there though and it really hurts.

My first boyfriend was a couple months after. I was so low that I used boys to fill the emptiness in my heart. They told me they loved me I know they didn't, but I told them i loved them too. But I didn't. I just needed to hear it. I didn't feel whole without a boy telling me nice thing of course it was fake but I liked to hear it.

Sometimes i felt God hated me. I prayed that when my parents divorced they'd get back together, nothing. I prayed for my dad to get better he got worse. Everything I prayed for I got the exact opposite. Why? Does God just hated me? It’s so hard to keep faith when nothing good is happening to you in a time you so badly need it. i needed to find an escape badly.

I turned to music. Its so crazy how there is a song that says exactly what you’re feeling so you know you’re not alone in thinking the way you do. Music can take you to a different place and calm you help you. It’s always there with out physically being there, it’s a friend when moments get tough. I'm still working on my hate and trust but everything does and will get better. I think I'm in a lot better place than I was before.





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