No More Tears to Cry

By , Sunnyside, WA
Dear God,


How could you do this to me? I tried to be good, but for some reason you made things worse everyday! Don’t you ever wonder how my life would be if I lived a normal life? I think about it all the time.
My dad leaves. What if everyone knew i was his kid instead of wondering if I was? What if i was just like him?
When my mom left, didn’t you know what I was going to be going through? Didn’t you know I was going to hate hearing people asking why she left? Because I hate lying about it.
Jennessee was pretty much my baby and 5 years later Im barely seeing her? Did you know I would count down the days until I got to see her? Now that she’s with me. I keep wondering, worrying about when she leaves... When will be the next time I get to see her?
When you made my grandpa crazy all those days, did you want me to die? Did you know I was going to have nightmares about him? Was it a bad thing he left or should i be happy now that he’s gone?






Dad

Dear Dad,


I loved you with all my heart, and you walk out of my life. I spent every weekend with you and now you don't even get to see me. Do you know I remember everything? Do you know how much it hurt me to see you walk away? Did you ever think I would look at little kid pictures of me and wonder how I got through everything, how happy I was? Because honestly I don't know how I did it. Well daddy I miss you, and I hope you think of me. Maybe one day ill see you again and you'll love me the way you did before...


It’s funny how you think you know someone, but when they leave you see a whole different side of them. I use to think I was my dad’s world! He use to tell me that all the time, but then he walked away and didn’t even day goodbye.
I always wondered if he even cared, I was his first kid and he leaves just like that... Even though I was four I knew what was going on. Every night i would wonder if he would come back. Sometimes I would stay up all night waiting by the window crying myself to sleep. Hoping to see his truck pull up; just one last time to kiss me goodbye.

I used to cry because I thought he stopped loving me, because I thought he would forget about me.

I remember the last day I seen him, it felt as if it happened yesterday. I was waiting for him in my mom’s car. Since my parents hated each other i had to switch parents at the police station. It always bugged me that they hated each other. I loved both of them but yet I always had to pick one. Well He pulled up next to my mom’s car. She told me to stay in the car for awhile, she had to “talk” to him. He got out of his car, mom got out of hers, they argued, screamed for awhile! I hated seeing them like that. Whenever that happened that meant I wasn’t going to see my dad that weekend. Well all I seen was him look at me and looked away. No “ goodbye, Ill see you next weekend” but just a car turn on and leave. I thought maybe next week he’ll come get me.. But he never showed up. A matter of fact, my mom never packed my bags again.
I didn’t cry in front of anyone, because I knew I had to be strong, not for my mom, but for me!







Mom


Mother; if you take someone from someone’s life, shouldn’t you at least stay? Telling me all those lies about how my dad didn't care, he left because he wanted to... That didn't help. You made me feel like crap, like I wasn't good enough for anyone. You would leave me to go drink with friends. At least my dad didn't do that. You never realized I was going to grow up and think about all this. You thought I was little, ill forget about everything. No, Im over everything, Im not holding a grudge.. but Im never going to forget about what you did.


My mom left me for her boyfriend. I was 10 and I hated her for that! I couldn’t sleep for days. I had a little sister, she was only 8 months old when she left and she’s the only one in my life that made me happy. My mom took her from me.
My mom isn’t smart; sometimes she just thinks about herself but she is my mom. She did anything just to leave me anywheres to go places. Once she left me with a drunk friend, that night I got in a car accident. I was alright but she never changed.
She’s also the reason why I couldn’t see my dad anymore. It felt like she kept taking everyone from my life; but yet she couldn’t stay! It felt like she could be happy, but i couldn’t. I love my mom; but I always wonder if she loves me. If you love someone you just can’t leave and never come back!







Josiah


Dear Josiah,



You don't know how sorry I am for you. Even though we always use to fight as kids, we always made up and watched Power Rangers together. You were always there for me when I would cry about my dad. You knew what I was going through because your dad died when you were two. Even though you didn't know him, you knew how it felt not to have a dad. I appreciate everything you did for me and I hope you know ill always love you.


He never deserved to be treated the way he was. Since our parents left us the only people we has was our grandparents. We always lived with them since our mom was always at the bars. It was like she always picked us last.
We lived at my grandparents house, I was always happy about being home. Playing games with Josiah, having a good time with the family. But then everything bad started to happen, not with me but with my brother. He started hanging out with his friends more, he started to spend the night places, he just started growing up; but my grandpa HATED it!
My grandpa would want everything his way! He always yelled at Josiah, blamed him for everything. My brother is a good kid, he gets A's, doesn't get in trouble, but did my grandpa care? Nope!
Well as we started going older things got worse.. He would drink a lot! He always did but not as bad as now. He drinks and drinks; everyday.
“I hate you; you ruined my life!” I always heard that come out of his mouth. He didn't understand how much it hurt to hear that come from someone we loved. The first time he yelled at my brother, my brother cried that whole night.
My grandpa did that for the longest time, until my brother got sick of It and moved out his freshman year. To this day, his senior year, he hasn't lived at my house.
I miss my brother; he was the only one I could cry to without feeling stupid... he understood what I was going through and now he's going to leave for college.






Grandpa


Grandpa, Pa, whatever you want me to call you...
You use to tell me that I was the good one. That I was your favorite, your princess, and that you'll always love me.. What happened to that? Why did you lie to me and make me believe it? The next thing I know is that your yelling in my face telling me I “f***ed” up your life. Why would you ever do such a thing? Im a kid and your blaming me for everything? Do you think of me now that your gone? Do you regret doing what you did? Do you hate me for calling 911?


My grandpa is kinda crazy, well thats what I think. One minute he in a good mood and the next he's screaming at me and my grandma for things that happened years ago.
April 27th, 2011, that's the last day I seen him. I guess Im happy if I really had to choose from now and before.
I was asleep, eleven at night, and my grandma comes into my room. I thought she was just trying to wake me up to go to school. “Call 911!” I freaked out and woke up right away! She told me to lock the door and call. She closed it, I jumped out of my bed and did exactly what she said.
All I heard was a “bang!” I knew my grandpa hit my grandma but I don't know why. Then all of a sudden I look up and “boom” He broke my door down. I through my phone so he wouldn't get it. So he grabbed my arms and pushed me hard against the bed and yelled at me. The only thing in my mind was “when is he going to hit me.” instead he let go of me and yelled. Finally he walked out.
I ran to the bathroom, my eyes all watery, and he was right out the door. He told me “if I hear you talking on that phone Miranda just watch!” I wasn't sure if I should still call. But I did. I could hardly speak when they were on the line, I couldn't believe I called 911 on him.
They asked if he had any weapons, I said no. They asked if he has been drinking, I said yes. We hung up and I walked slowly to my room, I didn't want my grandpa to hear. I laid in bed and listened to each car pass by slowly. Tears ran down my face as the clock ticked. I heard sirens and cops outside and they handcuffed my grandpa, talked to my grandma, and asked for me. I got out of bed and I seen my grandmas eye, it had a huge lump and it was black!
My grandpa was outside arguing with the police. They sat me and my grandma at the table to fill out a paper explaining what happened.
When everyone left and It was just me and my grandma, she told me he had to kitchen knifes in his hand, one to kill me and one to kill her. Im telling you... he's crazy.
He's not to come back to the house, get 1,000 feet close to me or my grandma, or even call us. Maybe in 30 years he'll be better because that's when the restraining order expires.







Me


Well as for me.. You could say I lived a really hard life.
Both parents left me at a young age. My brother left when I was in 6th grade, my grandpa is crazy, and the only person I have in my life is my grandma. Yeah, I would cry, every night. But now I learned that life goes on and all I need is my grandma.
As for my grandpa; since Josiah left and didn't need to hear him screaming, he found me to blame everything on. I will NEVER forget the day he came to me and looked me in the eyes and started screaming at me, then telling me he wished I was Dead. I didn't cry in front of him, I wanted to show him I am strong.. but right when he left outside I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out! I could have him screaming in my face and I won't cry, but when he said “I wish you were dead” that crossed the line and I couldn't hold anything else inside. My aunt tells me “it's because he is drunk” but when your drunk that's when everything you wanted to say, but didn't have enough guts to say when your sober, comes out
Since he isn't in my life now, I feel happier. I feel free. I feel stronger. And everything i've been through is in my past and I have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason, I guess, and Im thankful for my grandma being there for me through everything.
Maybe one day ill be able to see my parents again, but until now I could keep going without them. All I need is my grandma.





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