Learning through Defeat

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Trust... A word that is not regularly broken and is something that is hard to gain. I define trust as confidence one gives to another object, being, anything! I had no real understanding of this word, yet one experience changed it all. One girl, one event, one text message. That's all it took for me to learn the meaning of the word, and the value that it pertains.

It was my junior year when the typical high school drama finally started setting in. I was never really outgoing, and to this day am still reserved. I remember when I first set my eyes on the girl that I thought was the most attractive girl in my class. She would always wear her brightly colored dresses that would pop out her eyes even more than normal. I would always be to shy to interact with her, and have a normal conversation. Finally one day in the middle of September I decided to talk to her and discuss our test that we had taken the week before. My saliva began to get hard to swallow, and the temperature went from 75 to 90 degrees! I thought that by messing up my conversation, this girl would never talk to me again, and sure enough, I found a way to mess it up. I stuttered while talking and by that time, I was drenched in sweat. All she did was chuckle. I thought that that was the last time I would talk to her, but instead she told me to walk her to class more often because I humored her.

Walking her to class everyday was a great way of me to get to know her, and although it was only about three to four minutes, it felt like I was talking to her forever in the hallways. I still remember the hallways and stairs we would take to get to her next class. We would take a right from our class on the first floor and in front would be a broken red locker, take another right and we would see one broken ceiling tile. While going up the stairs the smell of sweet tropical fruits would fill the air when she crossed me. I felt a real connection with this person, and we were so comfortable with each other. The secrets that she poured out just made the trust more reliable. She used guy deodorant because she like the smell, she hated driving alone because she felt vulnerable, she loved taking naps in the middle of the day to get her “beauty rest” as she like to say. The strong wall that we had built together was going to crumble and the sad thing is... I did not even expect it.
By this time it was already the middle of March. We would hang out about two to three times a week, and I thought it was the right time to tell her how I actually felt about her before she left on her week long trip to the beach. It was a sunny and tad windy, and I decided that enough was enough. Her not knowing how I felt had been eating me up, and I had to release it. Without even asking her if she was home, I rushed to my car and bolted towards her house. Red light, Stop sign, Green light, pedestrians. By the time I realized it, I was at her house. I was so caught up in getting to her house that I forgot to think about what I was going to say! I got out of the car and noticed the wind had picked up, I nervously approached her door, and gave three sturdy knock. Luckily she answered, and so I did not have to go through that awkward stage with her parents. “This is important” I muttered. She looked worried, and I assured her that everything was fine. I could not find the words that I was looking for, but remembered telling her that I liked her and that I wanted to be her guy. The wind howled and what I felt like an eternity for her answer was only a couple of seconds in actual time. She eagerly agreed, and a weight was lifted from me! I floated back to my car like a helium balloon and raced back to my house to rejoice on my accomplishment.

After that day, she told me that her phone was going to be left at her house, so that would mean there could be no communication between us. The everlasting week went by and I finally texted her. Oddly enough she did not respond quick, but instead texted me later that night. Ironically it was raining and a thunderstorm was predicted to hit around midnight. The text that broke my heart and broke the confidence that I had for her was sent at 11:26 PM. After the supposed exclusive relationship, she told me that she liked a guy from her church, and that she had been spending time with him as well. I was speechless. The damage that she had done was irreversible, and I was left there to think about our recent memories. She did not know how much she affected me. I began to see everyone as a liar and had trust issues where I would not open up to anyone because of what she did. I was scared to open up to strangers, and because of her I was hard to interact with. Luckily over time and the help of my peers, I gradually began to loosen up and once again I could open up
In the end, I learned to grow from the experience rather than keep thinking about the past. If anything, I would like to thank her for showing me that through it all, I should never let my guard down easily. The tough time I had to endure even taught me that it life does not always go the way one wants it, and sometimes we have to adjust to make it through. That text, that event, that girl, will not be forgotten.





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