I never thought it would happen to me twice. That moment when your heart stops beating and deep down you know it’s coming, where five seconds feels like five hours. I spent so many nights under the safety of my covers praying I would never hear that word again. Divorce… It still haunts me when I replay that moment in my head. I was that little girl who grew up in two houses with four parents. I blamed myself. Was it because I was a rude child? I threw fits and always got my way... was I the reason? Fifteen years later I’m once again the daughter of another marriage gone south. Three houses, no permanent home. I’m just expected to move on and accept it. But how can I make peace with something that destroyed my entire mindset on what the word “family” really means. I cried myself to sleep with the memory’s I held onto of the day before this. Just drifting in my mind. My heart hurt with guilt and anger. I resented them for not loving each other. Walking into my parent’s empty room to find all my daddy’s things gone made me finally fall apart. I laid my head where his shoes once were and cried. It hurt too much to breath. I ripped up pictures of a broken family… my broken family. You don’t realize how much something means to you until it’s taken away. I regret never having a chance to help fix things between them, but I have to eventually understand that it wasn’t my marriage to fix. It wasn’t my fault. It’s hard not to envy people who have never felt what I felt. Yet I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. But just like after every rain shower there’s a rainbow, I received my very own little miracle. My goddaughter Natalie Jeanne was my rock and made me stronger. Just holding that little bundle of joy in my arms was enough to dry the tears, at least for that moment. I may not be as close to God as I should be but he gave me the strength through her by sending that beautiful miracle. It taught me to remember that on every gloomy day the sun is shining somewhere. Everything that makes you smile in life was worth that smile so appreciate the little things and accept the bad. This is my life and I will make the most of it. I’m going to learn from my parents mistakes and pursue for a better future. Every breath counts… don’t forget that. I know I won’t.
Touched by a Miracle
May 16, 2011