Where Did You Go?

May 9, 2011
When I was just entering my teen years I was starting to realize that life isn’t always fun and games. I was beginning to wonder why I got to see all these kids with a male role model in their lives and I didn’t have that.

I would always ask my mom “Where is my dad?” She finally realized it was time to talk. I knew she never knew what to say to me. At least until she came up with this, “When you were in my tummy your dad decided to leave us. I don’t think he realized the gift we were about to receive.”

Not only was I confused but I always asked “why?” Why didn’t I deserve to have the kind of dad everyone else had? Sure my mom was young when she had my brother and I, but I know she would never take it back.

She always tells me “Your dad wasn’t a mistake because if it wasn’t with him I wouldn’t have you and Andrew.” At times I wonder how my mom could do this all on her own, but then it hit me, she’s wonder woman. She makes sure we have food on the table and clothes to cover parts people aren’t meant to see. Yeah, I cry wondering what it would be like to have a dad around, but I have her. My father is useless. He doesn’t support us, never has. But to top that off while my mom was on bed rest my ‘dad’ was off in New York screwing around with other woman and ended up with another daughter named Ashley. Oh and did I mention her has two other daughters, Liberty and Zoe. It’s so funny (hear the sarcasm), because he disowns them. He says they can’t be his because they have red hair and blue eyes, even though he has had maternity tests, lots of times. He walked out on all of them and decided to come back to Tucson. I don’t know how but he found me, my brother, and my mom. He treats my brother like he is his favorite, when he comes over he doesn’t say a word to me. He bought Andrew (my brother) a truck and that got my anger going. I was pissed because I’m the one in school and getting good grades and I found a job and all the things a good teenager is suppose to do, but my brother he’s a drop out. He doesn’t go to school. He doesn’t have a job and he is rewarded by being given a truck that he doesn’t exactly deserve.

I wish I had “one big happy family” but in reality I don’t. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to hear ‘my’ parents fighting over something that is little and stupid. I know kids don’t look forward to that kind of thing; I just want to know what it’s like to feel something like that. I want the experience a lot of other kids get with their families. I’ll never have the kind of family that sits at the kitchen table to eat and just talk about how their day has been, a family that has one day of the week where they all get together and play games and talk about how their lives have been. Only once can I remember going somewhere with my family and that was to Disneyland and technically it wasn’t everything I would of liked it to be. It was my mom, brother, grandpa, my three uncles and I believe that’s it. My grandma didn’t go because her and my grandpa got a divorce way before I was born. It’s amazing how screwed up a family can be. I don’t think you should have to find ways to all spend time together. Divorces ruin a lot of things. I hate that people take relationships as if they are jokes. They don’t think about the long run and all the people they could possibly hurt from stupid choices like that. Imagine the pain a child has to go through knowing that they have a weak family, a family that doesn’t even love each other. I always wish I could have this “perfect” family that is on T.V, but instead I wonder if my family is even going to make it through all the drama. What’s going to happen when someone gets seriously injured and you feel awkward visiting them because you don’t like your family? I don’t like to sit around and have people feel bad for me I just want to find the help my family needs.

I am slowly losing people from my life and I know it’s making me stronger but family should never walk out on you. When I was little I remember spending every weekend up in Sierra Vista with my grandpa and stopping at McDonalds on the way up there and on the way back. We would get vanilla ice cream cones and I’d always remember looking over at my grandpa and he was already down to the cone and I was just barley licking the tip off of the top. I don’t know how he ate that ice cream cone without getting a brain freeze. When we’d get to his house I knew right away where I was. I could always tell because of the smell of his lotion, now every time I smell that scent I automatically think of my grandpa. I would love spending time with him but then he met Kathy. Kathy is his new wife. At first I was happy but then it started happening, she took him away from us. He doesn’t have time for his kids or grandkids anymore because he is always so involved in her family. He comes down every Sunday for church and doesn’t even take it upon himself to make a call and ask if maybe we wanted to get something to eat. My grandpa is there when you ask him to be, but never by choice. When my uncle Jesse was in the hospital for overdosing we had to call him to come down because if we didn’t, he never would have known there was something wrong with his son. He’s not really a part of our lives anymore.

When the house phone would ring I’d always hope it was my grandpa or my dad calling, never was. Sitting in that chair next to the computer desk waiting for a happy birthday call was just a waste of my time; sometimes I’d even fall asleep waiting. If I was lucky I’d get a call a week later or a birthday card in the mail. I never really liked birthday cards, I mean it’s the thought that counts but it’s not the same as hearing that person’s voice or seeing them in person.

I don’t think my mom thought about the consequences when she decided to have sex just like most teenagers don’t but they knew they needed to use protection and what gets to me is Mark doesn’t even care. I don’t call him ‘dad’ I call him a “sperm donor.” Sometimes he will say hi to me or try and start a conversation and a lot of the time I just want to say to him “you haven’t been in my life for 17 years and now all of a sudden you want to act like you care? Why now? Why not then?” blowing up on him seemed like the right thing to do then I thought to myself “this isn’t who I am I don’t want to become like you. I know you have a mental disability b8ut you’re the one refusing to get the help you need. You won’t take medicine and you won’t get off your ass to find a job! How about you help out your family? I don’t know what my mom saw in you!” Just recently going into my junior year at high school my aunt who I haven’t seen since I was three let me know that my dad use to beat my mom.

She said “I remember a time when they were outside in my front yard and your dad was hitting your mom while she was pregnant with your brother Andrew.” When she told me those words the only things I said was “why would he ever hurt her, why does he now want to come into our lives?” I cried until my eyes hurt and I passed out on my bed. That was the day I lost ALL respect for me dad. I came to the conclusion that I don’t need him. The only people I need are my mom and my friends.

I’m sure there are a lot of teenagers around my age dealing with the same situation. My uncle has an addiction problem. Living with someone who has this problem and refusing to get help is really tough. Imagine that you two were in a fight in your bedroom and you had to get up because you were so angry expecting to go into your moms room and he follows you in there. A;; three of you guys talked a little bit and your mom gets up to use the restroom and he shuts the door behind her and locks it. He moves closer and closer and it looks like he is going to hit you. You try to get to the door but he pushes you away. But you get lucky and your brother hears you crying and has to break open the door and has to throw your uncle out of the room. His addiction has gotten worse. He probably goes to the hospital three times a week. I know the only reason he goes is because he knows that if he says there is something wrong with him or that he is in pain, they will write him another prescription or he will tell them the pain pills aren’t working and they give him stronger ones. He recently had surgery on his testicles and isn’t taking advantage of the pills that are supposed to make him feel better. What is he going to do when he runs out of them and is in serious pain? He will more than likely steal them from my grandma. My grandma has back problems and has had many surgeries to help her heal so she has to constantly take pain pills and he things it’s cool to steal the things she really needs. My uncle has never cared about anyone but himself. We have bailed him out of so much. He has been in two car crashes within two months. He crashed his car and he totaled my grandmas. He steals money from all of us and now we are stressing to even be able to buy food for dinner. The money we were suppose to use to move out he went and spent in on some stuff and I’d be willing to bet that it was drugs. That’s probably why he always drives to Mexico. A lot of the time we can never find him. Yesterday, April 7, 2011, I came home and went to my bedroom and I knew right away that someone was in there because I always shut my door and usually lock it. The one day I shut my door but didn’t lock it I come home to find my bed pulled away from the wall, my wallet laying there on the bed my change jar was missing (which had over fifty dollars) and a pack of cigarettes laying on my dresser. I just sat there and cried and attempted to put my bedroom back together but my eyes were so foggy from crying that I just sat there. My first thought was how could he do this to family, especially me. I’m a seventeen year old girl who bails you out of a lot of sh**. When you need money for food or for something I know is a must I’m there to help you out. I don’t know why I do considering the fact that you have stolen money from me three times now. Lucky enough I have friends who are willing to let me stay with them until we can save enough money to move out and get away from you. Te about ff should go stay with someone but I can’t seem to get myself to do it. I don’t trust you nd I’m afraid if I leave you might seriously hurt someone. I’m beginning to worry even more now because we have people driving by the house now shooting the cars and house with a paintball gun. That stupid paintball hit out new car and I know it’s your fault, it always is. The only reason we had to get a new car in the first place was because your dumbass got in a crash and totaled the car. I just want you to find the help you need. I want my old uncle back. I don’t even know who you are anymore and I will be completely honest with you I am embarrassed to have my friends over and to meet you. You don’t need drugs; you need to get your life back on track. Go out and find a job and don’t screw up the interview. You use to be this happy guy that was always smiling and you had a girlfriend who was there for you for whenever you needed her. You lost her to drugs. We have had talks about how you love her and “sometimes you have to let go.” Yes, maybe she has another boyfriend but she does love you. She just wants you to find the help you need. She misses the old Jesse just like me and the rest of our family. We love you and we really do need you.

I remember when he used to come over and would tickle me until I cried. He told me “You’ll grow up to be something great and your dad is an idiot and is missing out on a wonderful daughter.” I left him speechless and I said “I’ve had plenty of people come in and out of my life saying that.”

I wish my family was how it used to be. If I want to spend time with the family I am the one who has to plan it. My family means everything to me and I need them to get through this hard world. This is my junior year in high school and I’m having a hard time passing in because of all the drama going on in my life. I should be trying to find help to bring up my grades but it seems like it’s too late and now I am scared of the outcome. If I don’t pass this year I have no one to blame but myself but I will be very upset at my family for not supporting me when I needed them most.

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