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Memories of Years Gone Past

I hate the remembering,
Of painful things,
Things said and done,
And empty needs,
The need for friendship,
Loyal and true,
The words,
So cold,
And a painful cruel,
The look of disgust,
There on your face,
And the echo of footsteps,
So final,
Set pace,
To the tears that come,
Come flowing down,
To my heart that aches,
With great despair,
And dreams that fill,
My lonely nights,
And the days that follow in their wake,

As a child, anything I did, I did with my whole heart. My world was small back then, confined to school, and the homes of my mom, my aunt, my dad, and my grandparents. With occasional excursions out into the world that was so carefully separate from my small sphere of knowledge. It was because of my small world that I was able to be so focused and complete in everything I did.
When I met John in kindergarten he and I became fast friends. He was to be the first friend, outside of my family, that I would know for more than a day or so. As young as I was, that first year of school felt like half of my lifetime.
Even now, when I think about it, it hurts and I never understood why, not after all these years, my mom knew though. When I handed her Memories of Years Gone Past and told her that I didn’t get it, she told ME exactly why it still hurt and I knew she was right.

If I were a butterfly,
I would be sad indeed,
I have heard what it's like,
And had a taste,
But long before,
I had truly flown,
You came along,
To help,
But instead of helping,
Me to fly,
You ripped off my wings,
And said goodbye,

I met him at a time when I was just testing my wings, learning my own limits, so that friendship was very important.
I loved him, not romantically but the same way I loved my family. He was my first real friend and when he told me that we weren’t friends anymore that next year, it broke my heart. I think that’s when I stopped always smiling and always talking and always laughing; when I started hating school and seeing things in a more depressing way.
I didn’t have class with him in first grade so when I saw him at lunch that day I immediately went up to him and said ‘hi’. I was all smiles…until he turned around and looked at me, for a second he looked confused then he recognized me and his head whipped from side-to-side, making sure no one saw us together and then he hissed lowly, ‘you know we’re not friends anymore, right?’ His eyes were angry, and my chest hurt like the bones had been shattered and it was caving in on itself. I had wanted to scream, “WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!” but I didn’t, I swallowed hard and nodded, then watched as he just walked away.
So ended my first friendship.

They say when you lose,
A limb,
You still feel,
Well I feel still,
And I try to fly,
But I never get into the sky,
I hate the remembering,
Of painful things,
And what it was like when I had my wings.




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