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Never Looking Back
This phrase, never looking back, means a lot to me. It’s how I deal with things. It’s how I don’t regret. It’s how I live my life. It’s hard, but sometimes it’s worth it.
Never looking back. These words send shivers down my back. It means to move on and never look back. It means to stop regretting the past and just let go. To me, never looking back is pushing something into a dark corner of your mind and never remembering it except for when the darkness overtakes you at night and you silently wonder what went wrong.
Sometimes the meaning all depends on the situation someone is in.
For me, it’s worth it and it isn’t. I remember the laughter, the smiles, and the love. I forget the pain, the betrayal, and the hate.
On those dark lonely nights, where I can’t just go to sleep, I look back. Feeling the comfort from my blanket surrounding me, shielding me away from the world and the soft feathery pillow covering my head, I look back. I look back and remember soft laughter, sunny smiles, and comforting arms around me, showing me the world in way that it felt like I wasn’t learning about right or wrong. I wasn’t learning about the good and the bad. I was learning about dreams, hope, and faith. I was learning about remorse, guilt, and hate. I was learning about all of that, and how it shapes the world. I look back and remember someone crying. Tears running down her cheeks from puffy red eyes. How I would look at her and think, “God. Why her? Why us?” I remember being quiet and reclusive, loud and assertive. I remember a lot of things at night. Where the sunlight can’t reach me and the darkness over takes me. I look back and remember. And I wish I hadn’t.
Sometimes it hurts and other times it doesn’t.
I hurt some people who use to be close to me. A boy with broken dreams. I remember a vague promise of forever and realized, maybe we could’ve had one. I can still feel the cool touch of stone against my palm, as I sat next to him in a park. I can remember the feel of his fingers running through my hair, untangling the knots. I can still feel his arms wrapped around my shoulders, looking at the Pokemon Platinum game someone was playing next to me. I can still feel his lips against my hair as he kissed my head. Then Life was cruel and torn us apart.
I didn’t look back.
I did a lot of bad things. The cool touch of a blade against my arm. I could still feel the small slit I made, before stopping and running to find something to cover it. Watching my skin bleed quietly as I raked my sharp fingernails against my arm when something bad happened. The soft caress of warm wind as I stared down at the hard concrete floor, my life flashing before my eyes, and walking away.
I didn’t look back.
But sometimes you have to look back. Sometimes you have to remember so you don’t make the same mistake twice. Sometimes, never looking back is painful because you want to look back. You want to remember smiles and laughter and love. But it’s overshadowed by the sadness and the guilt and the hate.
Never looking back. It’s painful and hard and sometimes not worth it, but it helps. It helps keep away the pain and the hate. It helps to pretend to be blind. It helps to pretend to be happy.
It’s not for everyone though. Some people just have to look back. They have to remember. They can’t just let go.
Never looking back. Yes, I know it’s hard to do and it may be considered a weakness. It’s not. It’s being strong enough to face your demons and realizing all of your mistakes. The things you should’ve done. The words you should’ve said. The past is the past. Stop living in it. It’s time to look towards the future and hold your head up high.
If you do look back, remember this. Sometimes things happen for a reason. It could be a stupid reason, but a reason nonetheless. It could be good or bad, but remember. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to let go. It’s okay to look back.