February 7, 2011
Every day I look at myself and think ‘where did it all go wrong?’ and a tear leaves my eye.
How could I tell everyone that everything is okay, when it’s not? I tried to listen when they said to forget it, that it’s your loss. But I lost you. That’s too much for me to bear. You were the most important person to me. You were always there for me, to make me smile when I was frowning, the one that made me laugh when I was crying. You were like an older brother to me.

You said you loved me with all your heart, I liked you. We talked for hours. I remember that one night we talked till two or three in the morning, and you fell asleep on me. Even though I knew you were sleeping I whispered into the phone “Good night Ethan. I love you” I hung up. The next morning you said that you were sorry for falling asleep, even though I was the least bit mad at you. I said that it was alright. I liked you.

From then our conversations got longer and my feelings got stronger. One night we were texting and you were teasing when you called me a w****. But it hurt so bad I started to cry. You tried to apologize, I didn’t accept it. You called, I answered. I heard you crying, that was the worst pain I have ever felt. That I was the one to cause that pain for you. At that exact moment, I forgave you. You pleaded for me to forgive you. “Best friend, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please. I didn’t mean it. Best friend...” was what you said. I remembered every word. I said “You called me a w****. That hurt.” I was beginning to cry again. But you replied with a whine “Shundeen I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” I couldn’t bear it any longer, I forgave you. And you said that you’d give me a hug.

Everything was in place. My life felt so perfect with you in it. It felt like you chased all the monsters away from me. It felt as if you were my knight in shining armor.

But soon it felt as though you drifting away from me. Just having that feeling inside me hurt. It hurt so much that I began to cry. I had no reason to believe that you were drifting away, but deep in my heart it did feel like it.

One night you asked for Annon’s number. I gave it to you, you said that you’d call right back, and I said okay. I waited. And waited. I texted you and said that we should just be friends instead of best friends. But what you replied... “How about we don’t even know each other anymore.....”, that made me wish that I had never said that. I tried taking it back then, but you made it obvious that I couldn’t. That night I cried so hard. I cried through the night. I cried till my eyes couldn’t stay open, because all the crying made my eyes hurt. That was the first time that I actually cried myself to sleep.

I’ve tried many ways to forget about you. But one night you texted me. My heart was over whelmed. You made everything better by just saying the simplest things. Then you said that you loved me and you reassured it. You also said that we’d talk about in the early morning after that ceremony I was attending was over. After my grandma and I left back home at one, and when we arrived home, I tried calling you. No one answered; my heart felt like it sank to bottom of my stomach.

To this day, I still think about you. I cry every night, thinking about you. I try to pretend that everything is fine, when it’s actually not. I sit up in bed, hugging my pillow tight, crying. Didn’t know what pain truly felt like till you left me. One day you got to me so bad that I was scratching myself till the skin came off. I went to Ms. Shepard’s office.

I still have this feeling in my heart. This feeling I have for you is love. I hope one day you notice that and realized how much I love you. When I had you, it felt as if no one else in the world mattered! Ethan, hear these words “I love you”....

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