Gotta Bite the Bullet and Deal

By , Camp Lejeune, NC
I hate being a teen. I hate it. This feeling that I need to do something. I can't always control myself. I'm scared yet I want so much more. I want to feel so much more. I want to let it loose and never have a care. But I don't want to live with a regret.

He's just a boy. There's tons more where he came from. Do I think he wants anything serious? Of course not. He wants in my pants. When he gets what he wants he'll just toss me aside like I'm trash. It's harsh but it comes with the territory. I know that when I get older it gets easier. Nicer guys will find me. I'll be through with the "bad boys" and move on to someone more mature.

Sometimes I'll stay awake all night feeling guilty. Guilty that I'm not more. Guilty that I want to be more. Guilty that I'm going to run out of time before I'll ever do something worth remembering. Guilty that when I grow up and maybe have kids of my own I won't be able to relate to what they are going through.

I'm a coward. There's nothing to it. But I'm going to push it. I'm going to push my limit. I'm going to be a different person. But if I do that then I'll never be my mother's perfect daughter.

This is so hard! Is it too much to ask for a little clarity?
Too much to ask for a little love? I just want to be held. I just want someone to tell that it's going to be okay. I'll make it through. I can do this. I have to substitute that for stupid pills. Because I can't control myself. I stress so easily that I need to take stupid antidepressants. Who likes a girl that's a pill popper, huh? I don't want to need them anymore but it's not like being a teen is making it any easier.


Sometimes I want to be alone but other times I need a person for comfort. Sometimes all I want to do is run away. Sometimes I want to join the party. Being a teen is like being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment I'm a responsible teenager and then the next I'm acting like a juvenile delinquent.

I need direction. I need a little help. Is that too much to ask for?





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