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why does this keep happening to me?
I knew it was going to happen. More importantly, I knew it happened. I knew what happened when my gaze went to her. I watched as she slowly parked the car and drooped out. I watched as she slowly progressed to come to me. She was slowly approaching the death trap I call school. She had come at the wrong time. My teacher said with as much enthusiasm as a teacher could have, “Okay kids, recess is over now.”
“Ms. Covino, I don’t think it would be the best idea for me to go inside cause my mother is right there.” I remarked.
“Casey, she needs to sign in at the office. I’m sure everything is okay and she’ll come and get you when she signs in.” she said in an irritated voice
“But I really think something is wrong.” I said politely.
“Casey, just come inside now.” She ordered.
I didn’t respond after that and I just slowly drifted into the classroom; but I had already known that my grandfather had just left me the same exact way my father had…
My mother finally arrived at the door of my classroom, she peeked inside and said, “Come on, Casey, we need to go.” By just looking at her, I could see the sadness pouring out of her eyes, so I packed up my stuff trying as hard as I could not to cry, and I walked with her out the door. Some of the other kids in the school were outside while we were creeping through the playground trying to escape to the parking lot. I felt wetness drifting down my cheek and realized I was crying, apparently so did the other kids on the playground too. Most of my friends that were coming up to me and questioning if I was okay. I tried to tell them in between deep breaths that my grandfather had passed, away and they all felt so sorry for me; I got countless hugs from people. Sometimes, people don’t realize that when you are concerned about a person in pain, it doesn’t always make them feel better knowing you’re there for them.
We arrived at the car and I climbed in, so many thoughts were swarming around in my head. The silence was pouring into my brain and making everything so fuzzy. Or was it just my tears? Either way, with both of them mixed together I was in distress. I tried not to show my mother until we got to the house. When we got there my family told me that my grandfather had died in Saint Vincents Medical Hospital, that’s when I really lost it… I needed air because I was becoming hysterical, how could this happen to me again? My father died of the same exact disease and now my grandfather was leaving me jut like my father did. I felt depressed and in that moment when I was lingering around outside I became angry with God, this was the second time he took someone in my life that was incredibly important from me and now I felt hopeless and lost. I felt like a lost soul wandering the earth waiting for a purpose. God took away the most important people in my life away from me and I was starting to hate him because of it.
My uncle saw me outside and came to accompany me, he walked me over to the house and told me to stay outside for one second so I stayed put for a little while. My eyes wandered around looking for something to take my mind off of the sadness so I looked around the yard. It was huge, it had a lake, 2 barns, a tennis court, a pool, and even a mini swamp. My grandparents had it all. As I was looking around I saw the smaller out of the two barns and remembered that a couple of years ago they bought some guinea hens to put in that barn and my grandfather would take them out and herd them like sheep with a giant stick, they would follow him around like he was their mother. He loved them like they were his children and that reminded me of how they all died. I realized that nothing ever lasts forever and sometimes if you love something you should let it go so it can carry on. I was getting into deeper thought but was interrupted when my uncle came back outside with a gun in his hand and said, “I’m teaching you how to shoot geese.”
I asked, “Um, what kind of gun is that?”
“A be bb gun. It’s going to be alright, Casey.”
So I just shrugged and listened to him teach me how to load it and shoot it. Finally, it was my turn. We were trying to scare the geese that made a mess in the yard. He told me to shoot near them and not at them so I tried my best to do everything he said and I pulled the trigger. I looked up and saw a bb plop in the lake.
“I did it!” I shouted.
“Good job, Casey!” My uncle said. After we finished my shooting practice my mother told me that we were going to go home, I kissed my family goodbye and I once again climbed back into the car. That shooting practice helped me get my mind off of the depressing subjects, but when I got back into the car the silence was worse, this time it felt like it was pulling my hair back and climbing into my ears to reach my brain and flood it with silence. I started to cry again and I put my face into my hands and my mom said, “Casey, everything is going to be okay”
The trees were all blurs and so were the people. I didn’t care if people saw me crying, I thought I was handling it quite well for a girl who'd just lost her only grandfather she had left for good. I slowly put my head down to rest on the chilled window of my seat and the rest of the entire day was a blur because I realized that I would never be the same, I will never go to my grandmother’s house and think the same things, I will never want to lose anyone this close again, but most importantly my life will never be the same without my loving grandfather. I can never have another man like him in my life, no one will tease me the same way he did. No one will ever carry me like he did. No one will ever get along the same way he and I did. He was gone. And I had to face it. He wasn’t coming back.