I lose friends often. I change a bunch. I'm stupid, and annoying, and I don’t know when to stop. People underestimate me. I'm a good kid with bad intentions. My mood changes hourly. I laugh more than I breathe and talk more than I listen. My heart is taken even when I'm single. I write down my dreams. I'm sarcastic most of the time, but I like to be taken seriously. I see the bad side of things, but I swear I'm optimistic. I've got troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match. I’m irresponsible. I mistake awkwardness for being cute. I'm a queer. I judge too much. I'll talk about every girl that walks passed me. I get so caught up in yesterday, I forget to live for tomorrow. I'm extremely blunt and straightforward about everything. I say stupid things when I don’t want to get in trouble. I say things I don’t mean. I tend to get close to people easily but I drift from them just as fast. I get bored of guys. I’m rude. I try to live for God. I never give great advice. I like to be alone more than I should. I tend to stay up all night. I pay attention more to the smaller, less important things in life. I over analyze everything anyone says to or about me. I care what people think. I strive for perfection, but I’ll never be close. I stare at people I don’t know. I watch people walk by me. I don’t do things because I’m too lazy. I change my voice to get what I want. I laugh when things aren’t funny. I hate old pictures. I wonder why my prayers aren’t answered. I sin so much it makes me cry. I keep secrets from best friends. I get jealous. I wish I were more scared. I don’t think about the right things. I cry a lot. I miss people. I look through my drawers even though I know what is in them. When I’m alone I dance. I like people more than they like me. I tell myself to be a different person. I go out of my way to ignore people. I like God but I don’t know where to find Him. I make friend lists to stay organized. I cling to things that made me happy. I can’t accept change. I miss my friends when they move on. I say hi to strangers. I curse people in my head. I know when it’s a lie but I listen and nod anyways. Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I want others to die. I can’t forget mistakes. I pretend to forgive when I really don’t. I don’t like what I look like. People think I’m rude. I read out loud. I smell fake flowers. I listen to a song until it gets old. I fall asleep sad. I judge everyone. I ask people how they would feel if I died. I wish I knew how much people cared. I trip and pretend nothing happened. I rearrange things. I lose pony tail holders fast. I don’t like talking to therapists. My mom knows what’s best. My family scares me. I love people who hate me. I try to talk to people but they ignore me. I get made fun of. I’m not as cool as people think. I’m not as cool as I think. I compete for attention. I wish I knew people. I try to be popular. I eat more than I should. I try not to learn new things. I’m weird. I look ugly in front of guys. I fake smile. I try to make people look bad to make myself look better. It never works. I cry when I figure out I love someone. I hate being short. I make wishes on eyelashes. I wish I were good at something. I try to become talented. I think the trees look better in winter. I’m guilty of things. I pretend I don’t have any secrets. I write things down at the end of the day. I look at my phone too much. I eat things I don’t like. I waste time. It takes me a while to get ready. It scares me when people know things that I don’t know. I don’t like my handwriting. I panic for no reason. I have to take medicine to stay happy. I’m not good at singing. I’m really smart. I’m insane. Sometimes I think I understand things better than everyone. I want to live on the street to see if I can survive. I debate things in my head. I walk in circles when I’m putting clothes on. I don’t clean up well. Certain places make me nervous. I can tell my teachers hate me. I write on my hands. I don’t know the words to songs. People think I’m older than I really am. I don’t listen the first time. School scares me more than anything. I make excuses. The only thing I want is for people to like me. Everyone tells me I’m funny. I know I’m just obnoxious. My aunt once told me I was obnoxious. I wish people didn’t care about me. I wish I could re-do this past year. I hear noises a lot. I crack my knuckles. I write books that I don’t even understand. I quit writing lyrics because I hate my old songs. I went through a chubby stage. I throw up a lot. I don’t like being around my family. Video chatting keeps my sane. To me, everyone seems to have a perfect life. I complain about everything. I wish I won the lottery. I feel bad for the people begging for money on the streets. I never want to go back home. I hate what I draw. I feel uncomfortable when people complement me. My siblings will achieve greatness. I think my brother is the most amazing person ever. I’m embarrassed of my life. I pretend I don’t know people. I love seeing really green grass. I have to constantly ask people if I mean something to them. Sometimes I forget my problems. I hate when people try to help me. I want to have a lot of money. I get nervous when guys touch me. I want to be everyone else but myself. I wish my hair were long. I try to look good. Nothing works out like I plan. People ask me to hang out and I say no. I’m never homesick. I get hot in the middle of the night. The sky seems bigger when it’s dark. I wish I couldn’t smell anything. I like the lake better than anything. I wish I could drive around with my sister forever. I like to go places alone. I like to be a line leader. I never start trends. I try to be different. I will never understand science. I don’t want to get held back. I repeat jokes. I don’t remember things well. People don’t believe in me. I lose socks. I wish things didn’t change until I needed them to. I am a real person.
This Is Me
December 19, 2010