Please Don't Go

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I don’t understand why the least deserving people have to suffer through the most pain and agony. Sometimes I think that it’s a sign reminding us that anything can happen at any time and to appreciate everything and everyone. I have realized that time is like sound, it moves so fast and before you know it, it’s too late! Throughout the last couple months of my life these thoughts have been occupying my mind. I guess what I’m learning is that maybe everyone has to go through difficult times. In some ways I think these moments teach us lessons that help a person build character and find strength. Maybe through acceptance and faith we can make the best of what appears to be a bad life experience and enjoy each and every day.
My grandmother fought so strongly for her life against colon cancer so she could stay on earth to support her family and friends. She was always the kind of person who solved problems easily with her wide range imagination. In a way I was taken by surprise that someone who was so strong and so courageous could also be so vulnerable. I had hoped and maybe even expected that she would beat cancer the same way she defeated it the first time, but i came to the realization that God had a different plan for her this time. He felt she had won her spot in heaven and she was ready to begin a new life with her brother Conny. Sometimes hope really isn’t enough. When your time is up on earth that’s it, and you will never know when that is. Although I was warned of Nana's severe case of cancer nine months before she passed away, I didn’t want to believe it. It seemed too unreal to be true. Nine months for someone could be equal to 5 years for another. Memories are what shrink or expand the time. To me these nine months went by in a wave. Some days were life changing and beneficial, but others were just a dread. Similar to powerful verses week ocean waves. What amazed me about my grandmother was that the whole time she was in such severe pain she never complained. The example she set reminds me to think twice before complaining.
For the first week or two after Nana's death i felt as if she abandoned me. I felt like she was here an then suddenly disappeared. To some people it may seem that way, but to me I know that she is still hear in my heart and always will be. Nana sends signs to each and every person she knew and loved. I occasionally have dreams of her talking to me. Other times I find signs like hearts and pictures that remind me she's hear and not to loose faith.
I recall one of Nana’s last and most brutal days of her life. As I deliberately dragged my torn chestnut Ugg's through the green wooden door I could feel my eyes begin to water. I struggled to restrain my tears from flooding out but I just couldn’t. They began to slowly slither down the side of my tan face. My big green eyes morphed to turquoise as I started to tremble. My phone read 4:06 p.m. Every step I took the floor would screech as if it were in pain. I could hear the voice of Oprah projecting out of the large television. As I entered the family room under the beautifully build archway I spotted the sign that read, "all because two people fell in love". Once I was officially in the family room I glanced at Nana in sorrow. She was lying in the hospital bed unable to do anything. I could tell right away she was in pain on the inside although she did do a tremendous job disguising it. Nana looked me in the eyes. Right then I could feel her love strike me.
She opened her mouth and in a tranquil tone came my name, “Fia.” Her raspy voice was so distinct. I gently sat down right next to her. “ You have been such a great granddaughter, you are always here for me. I love you sweetie.” I think I went into shock. Her words were so inspiring. My face gradually turned to a bright pink. I felt proud and remarkable all at the same time.
Just nights after the life changing conversation between Nana and I, was the traditional Assumption fair. Every year around September 17th to the 19th my cousins, aunts, uncles and family friends gather at Nana and poppies house in order to walk to the fair. As we congregated on the cozy back porch of Nana's home the laughter and screams of children echo across the illuminated night sky as they spin from left to right on the scrambler. The 2010 fair was unique from all others. What I can say is that as my grandmothers beautiful bodily life came to an end on earth, she was surrounded by the warmth and the love of her family and friends as we all gathered around her house for this annual family tradition. As I reflect on what happened it seems almost like God had a plan for our family. I am thankful that we could all to be together and each of us had a chance to say our last goodbyes.
"Mom, I'm on the scrambler I can hear you!" I hollered over the phone. Mom's voice was very serious I knew right then this call wasn't a joke. "Run over to Nana's soon." She affirmed. As the ride came to a halt i could feel my brain spin. I instantaneously unbuckled my seat belt and jumped out of the dirty silver cart, almost tripping over my own feet. My loose ponytail whacked me in the face as I bolted towards Nana's. Right when i got inside the house i knew this was Nana's last night. I could feel it.
She came to me in a dream saying, "Take care of everybody remember, there's a piece of me in all of you." When ever I feel the need to cry about Nana my tears turn to joy and I think about that dream I had of her speaking to me. I will never forget her witty sense of humor (arguing with Drs.) and shining white pearls she always wore. I have so much to say and so many memories involving Nana and how she changed my life, but these specific experiences have transformed my life for good. When i'm giving up on something she reminds me to keep at it like she did. Thing's happened for a reason, and her existence had a positive effect on all who's lives she touched. Once you met Victoria Ann Mancini there was no way getting out, it was as if you always knew her. I am honored to be called her granddaughter and always will be.
Every time I left her house Poppie and her would stand out side say "Please don't go!" I never knew she would be the one to permanently go. Another favorite saying of her that I loved was "Anything can happen if you simply believe." Nana would say and I believe that I can follow a simple yet loving and joyful life as Nana did.





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pop-pop said...
Dec. 20, 2010 at 1:35 pm
just an outstanding example of a very deep love connection between a special grandchild and a special grandmother !!!
 
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