I just thought today that maybe I should say sorry, now that all the drama is over, now that I have moved on (at least physically). I sat down today, on an empty bed, in a dark room, which is a great example of my soul these days. And looking at a moon that I have seen a thousand times, I felt I should say sorry. It's not a sorry that expects a someday forgiveness, like that time I broke your 50 dollar glass lid to your favorite frying pan which for some reason meant so much to you. No, its not that type of sorry. It's a sorry that I have never said, one that you probably know nothing of, since you have never gotten one or given one. It's an apology that I have delayed far too long, just like I am doing now, im so repititive....but i'm sorry, it's just hard to figure out how to do something that no one ever taught you, but i will try for you. So for not being there, when you needed me to help you into bed after a long night of beer and arguments, im sorry. For not being more of a prize, like most people consider their first child to be, for being your biggest disapointment, which is a position I have taken, taken since the day I took my first steps. And all the things I have said that you didnt seem to care much about before, im sorry I didnt take the time to see that it hurt you, that I was the reason that you drank another beer most of the time, that I am the one that you drink your pain away for. I'm sorry that I couldnt succeed in doing the small things that made life easier for you, that instead I ran away and left you all alone in a world of hate and sadness. But most of all, i apologize for saying, so many times, that I hate being just like you. Because I realize now, that being like you is a privilege, a reward that is finally special to me, a honor. Maybe instead of all the insults, I should have said I love you dad, a little more often.
October 23, 2010