Insomnia. It makes itself apparent tonight, as it does almost every night. I’m distracted by the weak tree branch trying to escape its once stable home outside my window. I lie here in the warmth of my bed in the silence and try to block out everything in my mind yet the questions never seem to rest; making their way to where my brain tries to process and find answers to them as if they’re located in some filing cabinet. It’ll keep rummaging, possibly showing up in my dreams. Is it that? Dreaming? Am I afraid to fall asleep and let my mind make up these scenarios that express what I truly desire? Why do that if it’s only going to make me want it more? I close my eyes but I can’t close my mind. I want to picture a white space; empty and vast. I want to see absolutely nothing. I’d put aside the over-analyzations of all the conversations and emotions, lose track of time and give myself a little freedom away from my overactive mind. It’s bittersweet, having this sense of curiosity. It’s given me a reason to hold back because I always ask myself the timely question “what if?” Solving problems could only go one of three ways: you succeed and you’re happy; you fail and you’re miserable; or you don’t even bother finding a solution because you’re afraid of the consequences. All of this constantly stirs in the crevices of my mind. It’s hard not to stop and think. It’s a problem.
October 24, 2010