What Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

October 5, 2010
What do you want to be when you grow up? That question for me, has gone permanetly unanswered and sadly, Im almost grown up. I once thought a teacher would be my profession. I would go into work with a big smile on my face. The children would smile back, call me Miss, and would enjoy what I taught them out of my excellent bank of knowledge. We would have fun and I would laugh with them as we did art projects and went to recess. We would write stories together and share them with other students around school like my teachers did for me. I was prepared for the discipline part too. No recess would be frequent with the trouble makers. When I was younger, this goal was constantly in front of me. But as I got older, I changed as most kids do.

In that akward transition from kid to teen, you know, the one when you start tripping over your own feet and start to break out like mad, I realized that being a teacher wasnt a bed of roses and neither was life in general. Life was difficult, and school, which had once been a fun playground, was suddenly more like a jail. So I wanted to escape. I wanted to be an actress.

The life of an actress was an easy one it seemed to me. You could have fun all day long, being the person your not. I wanted to audition for plays, join a drama class, even go to casting calls. Reading the scripts were easy, as was thinking of how to say the line. But the problem was, I was not an actress. I was all right at acting, but I was mediocre in comparrison to others. And though I was an award winning actress in the mirror, I was shy in front of others, and slowly, my dream of Hollywood died.

So, here I am now, seventeen and in a weird limbo. People keep asking what I want to go to college for and the answer, I don't know. It's frustrating when all my friends have a set career and are on their way to be what they want to be, and Im just stuck. It makes me feel lazy and goal less. They seem to know exactly what they want and are going straight ahead. Im standing still. I still don't know myself yet. I am a mystery to myself. I try to figure it out and just get more confused. So how can I figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life?

So now I try to look back at my old goals. Do I still love something about them? At first I say no but realize Im lying. I still love to write and share my stories like I did back in grade school. I still enjoy to peer edit and I love to read a good story. Do I like anything from my dream of being an actress? Yes, I realize. I loved making the characters on the script come to life. I would know their exact feelings and want to portray it the best I could. Now I realize that maybe a writer is what I want to be.

I still have a lot of doubts. Even now as I send in this for the world to see, I wonder, will I ever be good enough to write and have people enjoy it? I have so many faults. But I have to remember that I have many skills when it comes to writing, I also have to remember that if I keep working at it, one day my writing may make it into print. And one day, I will know exactly what I want to be when I grow up.





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