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October 1, 2010
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I wake up every morning and my mind is overwhelmed with the thought of you. Not because I miss you but because you will never be far enough away. I walk through every day with your name etching itself deeper into my heart. Not because I still love you but because no one has ever betrayed me the way you do with every step you take. And every time I open my mouth, my throat burns to tell these things to you. Not because I care, but because you need to hear them.

All I wish to say is this. I need to tell you that, “I’m disappointed. I always wanted to believe you were so much better than this. I deified you and I justified every little thing you did and turned you into a hero and looked at you like you were a God and I loved you. I wanted so much to believe that you were better than this; that you were different; that you weren’t like everyone else. But you are. You are nothing more than a sneaky, lying, cold, emotionless, shallow boy. I wanted more than I’ve ever wanted anything, to be able to see you and have faith and you and to not regret it. You are the only thing I have ever believed in, and you let me down.” The only trait about you that is exceptional in any way is your wondrous way with words. You could talk the devil into setting himself on fire or make Aphrodite fall in love with you. But that’s all you are; words. You never meant a single thing you said you to me. You just wanted to see how it would be to say things like ‘you are my world’ and ‘I am your soldier and my life belongs to you’ and ‘I live for you’ and ‘forever’ and ‘I love you’.” All I want is for you to realize that this is not a secret anymore. I finally see you as you truly are.
I really should have known better because today, I opened my eyes and I was alone just like you promised me I never would be. And I thought of you and was in pain just like you swore would never happen. And now I face the world alone just like you knew I eventually would. And, really, that’s the worst part. You knew this the whole time. You saw how I looked at you and knew you’d betray me. You saw how it would hurt me but you didn’t think twice about walking away. You knew and it never mattered.

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