The remnants of what once were hold me together. I remember the cigarettes we smoked on our ash stained couch and the feeling that no matter how broken we both were when we were sober together; everything was going to be alright. Sobriety came easy to me and impossibly to you. You cling to the alcohol as if it were the breath you breathed. The insane thing was it was your oxygen, it coursed through your veins and into your soul. It changed the entirety of the beautiful person you were at one time. That one time keeps me alive. The memories of your genuine smile and your contagious laughter haunt me at night. They entice me to feel you again, to reminisce our past and to hold on to you the way you hold on to your beer. I can feel your tears, as if they were my own. I can feel the cold water drip from your tear ducts and into my heart. My heart with its huge jagged crack, and its tiny crushed pieces, can no longer hold any more tears. I must no longer cling to something that isn't there. I can't go on living with you inside me. I have to let you go, let these feelings of anger float into the air and burst as if they never existed in the first place. I can't hold on to what we used to be, i can no longer pretend. The past is gone and has been for over a year. You and I must separate our lives and become two healthy people instead of being one codependent relationship. I will not crumble, i will not fall, and i will not be ruined without you. I am a person, a person who has to learn to stand without you holding her hand and helping her slip. I can do this. I can live.
You Are No Longer My Sunshine
September 18, 2010