I Love Him

August 23, 2010
I don’t know where he is. Or how he is. All I know is that I love him. And I let him down. It wasn’t a choice I made. But does that make me less guilty. I think not. I pray for him. Wherever he is. Or however he is. I pray that he stays healthy. It’s a sad cry for help. For I know it in my heart, my prayers are worthless against the thing that eats away at him. I owe 10 years of my life to him. To the man who became a father when I needed one. A friend when I didn’t have one. And a companion when I wanted one. Yes. That is the man I let down. He was alone. And I bet he was scared. So scared. He had no one. I bet he waited in disbelief. He didn’t think I would leave him. I bet he thought about me more times than I did of him. I bet he cried on more nights than I did. I bet he felt abandoned. By someone he invested time in. By someone he thought worthy of love. He gave his all to me. And I took it. I knew it would tear him up if I left. And yet, I didn’t stop to look back. The thought of him brings a smile to my face. The thought of me a frown to his. What’s worst is how unaware of my love for him he is. I have carried him with me all this time. I will continue to carry him with me for years to come. But he is unaware of that. He has lost himself in his addictions. He barely recognizes me. He can’t distinguish my voice from others around him. He doesn’t know my feelings. He is a child. An abandoned child. Who is being punished for something he didn’t do. He can’t figure out what he did to deserve such a fate. Who’s to take care of him? With me so far away. He has no shoulder to lean on. He is being watched. But he is not being helped. I want so bad to help. How? I don’t know. When? I don’t know. Why? Because he is my life. He is my soul. He is the one I think of when I want to smile. He taught me how to love. I just forgot to show him I learned. I forgot to show him I cared. I forgot to assure him that he would never be replaced. No one can be half the man he was. From his distance I have died a hundred times. From mine he has died a million. I will make it right. I will show him I care. I will go to his aid. I just pray for his health until that day comes.

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AshleyHill said...
Aug. 28, 2010 at 8:18 pm
Your writting is so amazing that I can almost feel what you're feeling
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