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Top Ten Ways to Know Your Techers Aren't Giving You Enough Homework
10. You never have a chip in your nail polish.
It disgusts you to even think of having less-than-perfect nails. You spend around an hour each week painting and filing your nails, trimming your cuticles, and cutting your nails. Chipped nail polish makes you feel inferior to your classmates, and naturally, perfect nails leave you feeling a bit cocky. So what if your lab partner received a better grade than you on the midterm? At least your nail beds are attractive, unlike hers. And, if all else fails, you’ll always have a hand-modeling career to fall back on.
9. You have time to make your bed everyday.
Not only do you simply make your bed, you make it with excruciating detail. Every pillow and stuffed animal has an exact place. You’ve got your bed mapped out in longitude and latitude, and you’re proud of it. You are excited to mess up your covers when you sleep; it gives you delight to make up your bed each morning. It centers you more than sunrise yoga could ever hope to. Who cares if your parents have drugged you up on OCD meds? At least when you have a bad day, you can think about your perfect bed waiting for you at home and be comforted.
You go shopping for purses to match your outfits regularly.
You know every single store that has ever sold a cute purse, period. Target, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, T.J. Max, you know them all. You know which stores are most likely to have a yellow purse, or a bright red one. You could think of a store that sells completely random purses, such as a bright blue one with clouds, or an orange one with a soccer ball. How you have an outfit to match an orange purse with a soccer ball on it, only you know.
You switch out your purse each night to match your outfit.
You have a specific way to put everything into a purse. First pencils and pens, then lotion, make-up and hand sanitizer. Next, your cell phone is subject to being put in the right corner. Lastly, your lip gloss, money, and tampons are put into the side pocket. Even though you wasted half an hour organizing a purse you’ll only use for one day, you’re sure you’ll never miss a call because your cell phone is always in the right corner. Always.
You’ve seen all the popular commercials and can repeat them word for word.
Budweiser’s ‘Real Men of Genius’ are a hit. You have mastered how to sing the background parts successfully without your voice cracking. You know all the steps to the NuvaRing dance, and you perform it whenever you find yourself at a swimming pool. People sometimes mistake you for being British because you perform the Orbit commercial regularly. You’re perfect at sounding like kids in Juicy Fruit commercials. You know the Hardees’ “Little ThickBurger” commercial by heart. Must I go on?
You suddenly realized you had an interest in sewing and/or knitting.
Of course after your hands are covered with red spots from needle pricks, you lose a fair amount of interest. But not enough to put that needle and thread down for good! No, you have to get pricked for a solid month before you finally call it quits. Now you have permanent red dots all over your hands and are extremely sick of the question, “Are you contagious?”
You cleaned out your closet this weekend…twice.
You managed to successfully alphabetize your shoes according to brand name, give all your ‘ugly T-shirts’ to Goodwill, and fold each tank top exactly the same, which you double-checked with a tape measurer. Your laundry basket is empty and your shopping bags are stacked neatly in the left corner. At least you’ll never have to search for anything when you’re running late for the dentist because you lost the appointment card.
After you cleaned out your closet, you put all your shirts in rainbow order.
You followed ROY G. BIV to extents no one has ever thought about following ROY G. BIV to. You gave ROY G. BIV new meaning. It took two hours, but you managed to put ROY G. BIV in the dictionary. Not only did you create a word with a ridiculous definition; now, when your friends come over and see your closet, you’ll get made fun of. Do you get a certificate for thinking of a word to put in the dictionary? Because that’s all you’ve got to show for two hours of debating whether your teal shirt should be closer to the ‘blues’ or the ‘greens.’
You spent three hours alternating between iTunes and YouTube last night.
The good old iTunes, YouTube alternate! As soon as you’ve checked out all the hot new tunes, you watch all your favorite videos. Once you’re bored of funny videos, you go back to music, looking at all of the hot artists’ songs that didn’t make it on the radio. Then you’re back to videos, watching little kids scream at their parents, spit up food, and fall down, which you find annoying, disgusting, and painful to watch rather than funny. Suddenly you find yourself in an out-of-control downward spiral, listening to nobodies whose music hurts your ears and Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” What makes you finally get off the computer is the close-up video of a dog crapping in its front yard. After three hours of stupidity, you finally make a smart decision!
You hand-made all your friends Christmas presents and it is October.
Picture frames, collages, decorated flip flops, scrapbooks, hand-made jewelry. All of your presents took a hot glue gun and some form of decorative ribbon. Every year your friends grow more and more un-fond of you, simply because you make their presents look like cheap, factory-made junk. Your presents took three or more hours to make, but what really puts the icing on the cake is the fact that they were made months in advance. You were hoping for a “Wow, good job, you’re a great friend!” but instead you got dirty glances and death threats to your glue gun. Next year your problem will be thinking of even more creative things that will make your friends hate you more than they already do. Good luck with that.