I can't count how many times...

July 14, 2010
By , Chelsea, MA
I can’t count how many times…
…I’ve legitimately contemplated suicide
…I’ve thought everything would go away if I could just die
…I’ve said I hated myself
…I’ve said I hated someone else
…I’ve cried over a boy
…I’ve wished a boy would fall in love with me
…I’ve said I would change my ways
…I’ve lied to people I care about
…I’ve said things I didn’t mean and hurt someone
…I’ve thought no one could ever understand me
…I’ve wished I could go back in time and do things over
…I’ve said I was sorry and didn’t mean it
…I’ve said I was sorry and was never sorrier in my life
…I’ve said I loved someone and didn’t actually love them
…I’ve said I loved someone and loved them with my whole heart
…I’ve said I loved someone and knew they didn’t love me back
…I’ve said fuck or one of those words
…I’ve wanted to physically hurt someone
…I’ve hurt myself because it made me feel better
…I’ve cried myself to sleep
…I’ve done things my parents would kill me for doing
…I’ve watched someone suffer and didn’t do anything to help them
…I’ve wished someone could see that I was suffering
…I’ve wished I could sleep forever so everything would just go away
…I’ve blasted music to make myself feel better
…I’ve felt guilty about something I did
…I’ve been pissed at God because things seem unfair
…I’ve asked why me
…I’ve given myself to a boy just to feel loved
…I’ve just wanted attention, in any way I can
…I’ve felt hated or not liked

It’s easy to see I’m a very flawed person who clearly has some stuff to work out. But despite all that, I still have friends and family who love and support me. This list is to make known all my struggles, and to come to grip with them. Judge me if you must, but then make a list of your own and you’ll see we’re not so different after all.

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