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First official date:
I sat at the front of the shopping centre on a bench directly opposite eddie rockets.I was in a
slight panic.Too late to turn back now. My date strutted towards me confidently,though I could tell
by his eyes that he was more nervous than I was."it's only a date" I whispered to myself and stood up.He
leaned over to hug me and there it was! Instant connection! A feeling of warmth and familiarity. He smelled
like a proper man,musky,but not in a bad way,unlike that "I just bathed in cologne" smell most guys have these
days. The date went perfectly,we walked,talked and laughed for hours,there were silences,but not the
awkward kind.I felt comfortable around him,like I could be myself,like we had been friends for years.He showed
me constalations in the night sky. I knew most of what he was telling me,but from his mouth..everything seemed
new. Everything seemed fresh and exciting.I didnt know if this could get serious..but I knew one thing. After
that evening,no matter how,I wanted him in my life. Even if it was just to be my new exciting friend.
So,it turned out we clicked. We were at least destined to be friends I was sure of it. So,why not give it a
chance? He asked,I said yes.Simple. One month in and I could feel his feelings for me strengthening.I could
see the adoration in his eyes when he looked at me..I thought he was great, sure..But I did not look at him
with such adoration.I shook it off,"I like this guy" I thought to myself,no point in ruining it by reading too
much into his thoughts.I was imagining the looks he gave me, and the compliments..well..thats just plain charm
he's using.He called me his "quirky beautiful" and I liked the attention,though so much of it bothered me a bit
"I Love You" Three words..eight letters..this changes EVERYTHING. I sat at my computer desk dumstruck.
Unable to reply to the Instant Message I had just recieved. And then I got another one. "Please dont run"
At least he knows me well enough to figure out that Im freaking right now. It's only been a couple of
months..this isnt suposed to be Love.This is supposed to be fun and wild and just not that damn serious!
We're friends,such good friends,we talk non-stop about everything and nothing,and yes, he is my "boyfriend"
but I never thought of him as someone I would fall in Love with.I do Love him of course..but its that cliche
line that I dont want to deliver "I Love You..but I'm not in Love with you". So I try and assemble my thoughts
and all I can seem to type is "Im not running". Because I'm not.I care about him too much to let him go,but
I cant help but feel selfish for keeping him around when he so obviously adores and I so obviously dont.
By month five I was absoloutly confused. I never said those words back, but i didnt want to lose him either.
So I stayed as his girlfriend for another two months. It's just me being selfish again..I wrestled with my
thoughts.The arguments went swirling back and forth in my brain. He's my best friend..I cant lose him..But
it's not fair to lead him on..though I'm too far in now. what would I do without his hugs? I enjoy his kisses,
I enjoy everything about him..but I dont love him like that. Is "I really like you" enough.. I couldnt decide.
So I remained stationary. after all, I felt some crazy spark when we kissed,sometimes. Other times it didnt
feel right,didnt feel the same..
"But..I Love You.." Did that really just slip out of my mouth? OH NO! why did i say that! I hope he realises that
I mean it in an "I Love you,you're the most important thing in the world to me,you're my best friend" kind of way.
Instead of an "I want to marry you and have kids" kind of a way. Well,he didnt. He grabbed me and lifted me up,
swinging me around until my head felt dizzy."I Love You soooo soooo much" He didnt understand why I had said it
obviously.. I felt bad. But I enjoyed the hug more than I should have. I didnt want him to ever let go. Why couldnt
I Love him the way he loved me? Why couldnt this be the perfect fairly-tale fantasy? He's so amazing in every way.
He's sweet and fun and laid back and gives the best hugs. It's a chemistry thing. I wasnt feeling it. Not what I
have felt before,not that spark that makes your stomach knot and gives you goosebumps. I hated myself for doing this
for giving him false hope of a future. I let it go on for so long.
I feel something for him. I kiss him and feel something.I hug him and the world could stop turning for all I care.
He compliments me twenty times a day.He tells me how perfect I am to him,how much I help him be a better person.
I wish there was an easy way to figure this out. I Love him. I do. I just dont think thats enough.He makes me feel
phenomenal,like I can do anything,like I can achieve anything. Why do I feel like this isnt enough? Whats wrong with me?
I think..now..after almost eight months,this has to end.I cant keep torturing myself,wishing I felt the way he did. I cant
keep giving him false hope. One last test. If I see him for the first time in a week,kiss him,and feel something,I'll know
where I should stay. If I feel the same way as I do now,its the end..