Pour me out

June 3, 2010
By , ogden, UT
I sat on a chair with my head spinning in every which way and stomach churning. My eyes were held shut because I knew if I decided to open them I would puke even though my stomach was clearly empty. People held onto me, afraid that if they let go I would tip over. They began to remove body jewelry, shoes and other unnecessary clothing. A woman’s soft voice echoed in my head, “Hannah, Hannah. Can you tell me where you are?” she asked. More voices filled my head and they kept asking their questions as if they were the most important ones. “Screw off!” was going to be my reply if my mouth would’ve move.

Truly and honestly I couldn’t remember anything. Everything was a blur beginning when the night was starting. My ‘best friend’ had decided I was a liar. That much I could remember. I had been in that situation more than once. It was the story of my life: friends back stabbing me because they are afraid of me. I’m not scary and you think an honest friend would know that.

I remember feeling frightened and wanting to go to sleep and wake up only when everything was over. But I knew that wouldn’t be possible since her and another one of my friends were on their way to my house. I curled up in my bed, clenching onto a bloody knife. My wrist had been slit in order to get all my anger out. “Damn it. Why?” I sobbed, jumping outta bed. I reached over for a water bottle and my retainer case that held my trippy pills. I didn’t know what they were, but I knew they made me trippy if I took just two. I counted out eight and placed them in my mouth, hoping maybe I would pass out and nobody would be able to wake me up from my deep slumber. “Hannah?” my mom whispered, turning on my bed light. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m going to bed.”

“Okay. Tomorrow is a new day and we all can start over.” She blew me a kiss then shut my door. She was right. Tomorrow was a brand new day and I could pretend nothing happened. The only sign of today that would be left are the texts and the bleeding cuts that will turn into scars soon.

“GO SHAKE THAT LAFFY-TAFFY! THAT LAFFY-TAFFY! AH! CANDY GIRL!” my cell phone screamed. I ran over to answer it, secretly hoping it was James, but it read Danyel. I felt the tears began to well in my eyes and my heart sank. “Why the hell won’t you leave me alone?” I threw my unanswered phone across the room and into the sofa. The ringing ended. I thought her harassing me had ended forty minutes ago, but no. “GO SHAKE THAT LAFFY-TAFFY! THAT LAFFY-TAFFY! AH! CANDY GIRL!” this time the screen read Shaylee. I held the ignore button down till I felt satisfied she wouldn’t call back. “GO SHAKE THAT LAFFY-TAFFY! THAT LAFFY-TAFFY! AH! CANDY GIRL!” Delaney (Shaylee’s younger sister) name came to the screen. I pressed ignore, but it only took seconds till they decided to call again, but this time on my younger sister’s phone. I watched the lights blink on and off rapidly, this could’ve been an emergency. I pressed answer and Danyel’s voice came on, “Hannah! T-“ I pressed end and went to hide underneath my covers. I was safe from monsters there as a child, I would be safe from them there now. Stop calling me or I swear to god I’ll hurt myself. I text to my sister’s phone. Don’t say that! I don’t take that lightly! You’ve tried it before! Her concern seemed fake to me. Why would anyone care if I died? Then have everyone stop calling me damn it! I hoped my point came across, but the fake concern only grew as she repeatedly text me not to do it or say things like that. I didn’t reply.

The bedroom door flew open, making my walls rattle and posters shutter, “Hannah! Come up stairs now!” my mother yelled franticly. “Okay, I have her now.” She said into her blackberry.

I rolled, literally, out of bed and flopped onto the floor. Eight pills, I thought to myself, I’m not going to be able to hide it. My heart beat fast, so fast my ears began to boom. “Wh-hat?” I asked sitting down on the brown leather couch upstairs. My mom sat beside me and I laid my dizzy head onto her lap. She brushed my dark hair out of my eyes and whispered it would be okay and that everyone was coming over. I started to cry again. My pills weren’t relaxing me at all. I started to shake. My body couldn’t hold still and my breathing grew heavy. It felt like I was having a horrible heart attack that wouldn’t come to an end.

The door bell rang and my mom stood up, leaving me shaking out of control on the couch. Miley and her dad Devin took off their shoes and walked over to me, moments later Danyel and Shaylee ran into the house. I rested on the floor and Miley above me. She held me between her legs so I could not fall over. Her long fingers ran through my knotted hair until it was smooth. “We want to talk to Hannah alone!” Shaylee yelled to my mom.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that.” She replied calmly, “She is my daughter and I need to protect her…”

“We aren’t going to hurt her!” Danyel, with swollen eyes, fought.

“Peace and love, you guys. Stop yelling.” I chuckled, “Whatever you say in front of me you can say in front of my peoples.”
Miley laughed and patted my head.

“What is she on?” Shaylee snapped, flailing her arms in the air. “You are drugging her!”

“Prozac. The doctor put her on it f-“

“-You guys are drugging her! She is perfectly fine! Hannah! You don’t need this…” she cried.

“She’s bipolar, Shaylee! Sh-“

“-No! She is perfectly fine!”

“Damn it! Stop yelling!”

“Then stop drugging her! Let us talk to her alone!” Shaylee got in my mom’s face. Miley held me closer to her, as if she was trying to protect me from everything going on, and, honestly, I would let her. I needed it.

“Miley.” I laughed quietly, too quiet for anyone to hear.

“She’s like her father! She’s not right in the head!”

“I can’t do this.” Danyel sobbed and ran out of the house, Shaylee, of course, was right behind her.

I closed my eyes for a minute, ignoring the front door slamming open then closed then open again, ignoring the voices in and outside of my head and trying to focus on my rapid beating heart. “Go! Sit! Now!” my mother screamed in her devil voice. Our dog whimpered and I cowered closer to Miley.

“It’s okay.” Miley whispered. Her voice was shaky, not comforting at all.

“I’ll talk to them.” I gurgled. “In the kitchen…Okay? Mama, I’m okay.”

“You sure, huney?”

“Y-Yeah.” I got to my feet, barely, and stumbled into the kitchen, with Miley holding onto my hips. “I- Danyel. I need a hug.” I fell into her arms and whispered what I had done earlier that night….

The rest of that long night was meshed into one big blur full of crying, questions, ivies, doctors and ambulances.

So now I occupy a hexagon shaped room with a stale mattress, desk, locked cabinet and a ½ a person bathroom. The ceilings seem to go up forever and never end while the cramped walls are a nasty cream.

I lay patiently on my mattress in a pair of sky blue socks that didn’t belong to me, blue sweat pants and a black TOKIO HOTEL t-shirt. I don’t remember changing. “Hannah?” the locked door clicked open and a short red headed nurse smiled at me, “Time to take a shower okay? Then come out here and talk to me when you are done.”

“O-Okay.” I got off my bed, my knees wiggled until they finally gave out and I was on the floor. “Damn.” I mumbled, planting my palms on the red carpet and was able to crawl over to the ½ person bathroom.

Removing my clothing was easy. The real challenge was staying standing while showering. “One-two Freddie’s coming for you.” I sang, “Three-four better lock the door. Five-six grab your crucifix.” I washed the last bit of stink out of my hair and off my body with the ice like water and got out. No shampoo, no soap, no towel. I got dressed dripping wet and would have to let my hair air dry curly.

“Hannah?” a dirty blonde nurse said. She sat in an open area and behind a big desk with several other nurses. Doors, like mine, were all over the place and there were three hallways to choose from, which had more doors to choose from.

“May I pass?” a short tan girl with dreadlocks and dressed in pajamas asked the nurse. She nodded. The girl walked pass two door frames before she turned.

“May I pass?” I asked.

“Yes. Go where Brie went and you’ll have dinner, okay?” she talked to me like I was a child. Jerk was the only word I had for this woman.

I walked where she directed me, into what was a small white tile and wall room with two big tables pushed together. Five other kids sat there. They all looked normal. One of the boys was Mexican and really young looking, he seemed like a happy kid. The other boy was dressed in a white t-shirt and basketball shorts, making him look like an athlete. He was cute. Three girls, one which was the Brie, looked sorta normal too. One was a short haired black girl. She had a big smile plastered on her face from the moment I came in. The other was a gorgeous brunette with perfect skin and the biggest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. Brie seemed to be the only troubled looking one, besides me and my emo appearance.

“Hi.” The black girl said. You could tell she was gay right off the bat. “It’s about time you woke up.”

“What time is it?” I asked, taking my seat across from the gorgeous brunette.

“A little after five thirty.” Brie answered. “You’ve been asleep for almost two days.”

“Oh.” I had gotten what I wanted. To go to sleep and wake up when everything was over. It’s over.

“Hannah.” The red headed nurse said, “Here is some food. You must be starving.” She handed me a Styrofoam box that had a ham and cheddar sandwich in it.

“Not really.”

“Well try to eat.”

“I’m Tascha.” The black girl introduced. “That’s Brady,” she pointed to the athlete, “That’s Macey and that’s Salvatore and Brie.”


“You’ve been sleeping along time.” Macey said before she took a sip from a Styrofoam cup. Salvatore nodded in agreement.

I waited for Brady to say something, but he continued to eat his salad without taking time to breathe between chews.

“So Jessica was saying how she was going to wait for me when I get out of here…” Tascha said, continuing the conversation that was being carried before I interrupted. “I can’t wait to see her.” She shoved the last bit of her BLT in her mouth then started cleaning up. Everyone rolled their eyes as in a ‘silly Tascha’ way. “She’s giving me a second chance after cheating on her, so this is a big deal. You all don’t get it.”

“No, we do.” The red headed nurse said, “And nobody wants to hear it, hun.”

“Goodness. Don’t have to be so rude.” She sat down next to me and just smiled.

“What?” I asked, a bit creeped out.“Something on my face?”

“So you O.D.ed? Do you remember anything?”

“I did?” I looked to the faithful red head, her name tag read Rachel, “Did i?” she nodded and gently smiled.

“So you don’t? What were you thinking before you t-“

“Tascha!” Brie snapped, she held her knees close to her chest. “I like Tokio Hotel too.”

“What?” I asked, looking around. “Oh.” She was talking about my shirt.

“I like them too.” Macey added. She was so pretty. I wondered if Brady liked her. “I haven’t gotten a chance to listen to their CD yet.

“Then quit running away.” Tasch jumped back into the conversation. I starred, confused. “She’s a runaway.”

“I’ll after this.” She paused, “Who would’ve guessed it would be so uncomfortable to sleep in a shed, big enough for a dog, for almost two months.”

It got silent and awkward. Brady stood up to throw away the container his salad was in then went to grab a sanitization wipe to clean up his spot. “Not me.” He finally said, “Anyone up for cards after group?” he slapped the pocket over his chest where a deck of cards (that looked like a pack of cigarettes) were being held.

“I’ll play B.S.” I said.

“Nah, I’m sick of that game.” He walked through the back door of the room, everyone else fallowed. I took the hint and moved along as well, after cleaning up my stuff, of course.

It was a large room with colorful couches all along the walls, a television against a spot where the couches ended and a bunch of shelves with movies were in the room. The dirty blond nurse from the desk was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. “Okay. Want to read me your goals everyone?” it was more of a command than a question.

I took a seat next to Brie, but still fair enough away because I knew we were not friends. I crossed my legs and held my head up high, trying to keep my frightened tears in. I’m in this strange place and nobody will give an explanation to me. “Hannah?” the nurse, named Ashley, asked. “Do you know why you are here?”

“N-No…” I stuttered. I did, though. I was here because I wanted to die. I wanted to die like every other teenager in this room, except maybe Tascha. She seemed too happy to be here…wherever this place is. “I don’t.”

“You are here because of suicidal ideation after attempting to overdose by taking pills given to you by a boy at your school.”

“My old school.” I muttered under my breath. Nobody heard me.

“Your treatment plan is no suicidal ideation or behavior for seventy-two hours. You must participate in all nursing assessments, take medication prescribed by physician, identify five coping skills and five triggers to avoid dangerous behavior, and express how you feel in daily TR Groups to practice expressing.” When the nurse finished talking I felt dizzy. She used so many words I had no clue what they meant. How did she expect me to get out of this place if I didn’t understand what she was saying.

“Where are my shoes?” I asked, staring out the window. I longed to walk outside on the fresh snow.

“You can’t have them right now. Did you hear what I said?”

“Yes. I have to not be suicidal.” I answered.

Join the Discussion

This article has 11 comments. Post your own now!

RhinoSaurusRexPlease said...
Jan. 27, 2012 at 1:34 am
Wow! This.. Was amazing! I actually can relate to this, honestly. Something like this happened to me about three years ago. Woah. You just inspired me to write about my experience. Thank you!
Panda500 said...
Sept. 30, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Panda500 said...
Sept. 30, 2010 at 7:28 pm




missak said...
Jun. 9, 2010 at 10:35 am
Amazing story that will touch so many young girls who have shared your feelings!
MissAllie said...
Jun. 9, 2010 at 9:37 am
I felt panick through the whole thing and it was the kind of panick that untill now, I thought could never be put into words. You capured my attention and it made me cry tears of thankfulness. Thankfulness for you and your bravery for staying to face this crazy world; bravery to share your experience so others can know they are not alone.
dreams_end said...
Jun. 9, 2010 at 1:27 am
That was incredibly touching.  I know someone who is struggling with similar things.  You are so brave to share this, and you're a wonderful writer. 
dreams_end replied...
Jun. 12, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Oh my gosh you're number 4 today in highest rated!!!  You so deserve it, especially after all you've been through.  Just stay strong, and remember, there is always something better waiting for you, even in the darkest of times.
Bigmama said...
Jun. 8, 2010 at 4:52 pm
Incredible story! I can see why this was such a scary time for you! To be all alone in a place you'd never been, with people you didn't know.... Your description of "that night" and the days that followed touched my heart deeply. Thank you.
pinkfuzzzy said...
Jun. 8, 2010 at 12:21 pm
you have a beautiful way with words! you can really catch whats happening and write them in a way that readers can see clearly while they're reading it. :D
mike17wilson said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Wow!  I felt as if I were rushing through a frantic experience with my own daughter, anxious and worried and hopeful and scared...
Iloveyouforev:) said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 9:39 pm
Wow... Even though I'm not sure who this is... My heart goes out to you.. I love you girl. This brought me almost to tears..
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