How Many Times Must I Say I'm Sorry?

May 29, 2010
By , Jefferson, OR
I can create nightmares. All I need is my existence and your heart to crush. I can disappoint you in a heartbeat. Maybe that’s called being a teenager. I can break you into thousands of little pieces. All by just smiling at you, hugging you, calling you beautiful, then telling you I never liked you, that I could hate you if you hurt me, that you aren’t worth what I could be giving up.



I am cruel. I am selfish. I lie when I mean to tell the truth. I laugh when I mean to cry. I’m cold when I mean to be warm. I push away when I mean to hold on. I hurt when I mean to love.



There should be a sign with blinking lights pointing directly at me: “I am the worst possible person you could ever meet.” I will hurt you repeatedly because I can’t give you what you want. Is it love you want? Understanding? A shoulder to cry on? A friend to hug you and tell you everything’s going to be alright? Someone to support you? To laugh with? Maybe it’s all these things… Maybe that’s what I want. I don’t know…



“If I don’t know I don’t know

I think I know.

If I don’t know I know

I think I don’t know.”



Will that confuse you? Read it again… and again… and again…



Do mistakes teach you things? I’ve been trying to figure that out. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends on the mistake. Is wanting you a mistake? Is it wrong to want something you can’t have? You can’t want. That’s what I’ve learned. That’s selfish.



Is it selfish to tell, no, to BEG you to hate me? I’ve done terrible things. I deserve it. But it would be wrong, right, to ask you to hate me? I’d be relieved, even happy for you to hate me. So maybe that’s wrong. I shouldn’t be happy at all. I should be guilty and afraid and empty… I shouldn’t have asked you to hate me. You probably already did and I just made it worse. Perhaps even made you pity me…



I asked you not to pity me, too. Remember? Now I really don’t want you to. Please PLEASE don’t. I survive. I always survive. I am strong. And I am selfish.



What I hope is that you will survive as well. I’ve read that time heals everything. I want you to know that there’s nothing I can say to heal your broken heart. I would never forgive myself either if I’d done what I did to you. I don’t know if it’s best to never forget or never forgive. I’ll never know…



The purpose of this is not to convince you of anything. I don’t know its purpose. Maybe it will hurt more than anything... I don’t know what I want.



All I am is sincerely sorry.





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