Find an escape

May 11, 2010
Do you know what it is like to wake up every morning and wish you didn’t? To be abused, hit, slapped, torn to pieces mentally and physically, to punch your mom, to be held down and spit on? You don’t know what you have until you lose it all. To one day wake up and have everything different, to have nothing in your room but a mattress not even curtains on your window, no clothes in your closet, the colors are changing everything seems so dull and boring, everything you do is changing all around you, what you look like, how you act, how much crap you can put up with from other people, being able to let them say mean things and take advantage of you but still be able to act like you are ok. People call you weird and dumb along with other ridiculous names, you try to not let it affect you but you stick out like a sore thumb. Being a female teenager in high school is hard enough but when you have that in combination with sports, grades, and people who you are supposed to call you “family” life can get pretty hard pretty fast. It can get to the point where you don’t know what to do anymore, you feel alone, you feel like you want to go curl up in a little ball in the corner and stare out at the world just to see it from a different perspective. Next thing you know you find yourself never wanting to leave. Having no one to trust, no one you can truly talk to. Not having one person as a friend or that talk to you.

Alot of people don’t know what putting a mask on really means. Having to go every single day acting like nothing is wrong, like nothing bad ever happened. Like you are happy all the time, soon it gets to the point where the fake smile is permanently stuck on your face. Every person has their normal boyfriend girlfriend bull****, but when you go to school with bruises and walk in the doors crying your eyes out, that’s when you need a mask, to block out everything and try to act normal and not let that effect everything else.

When you are in this much of a depressed state the only thing you look forward to is putting the headphones in your ears and letting the musical notes play. Being able to just relax, be able to close your eyes and feel like all your worries will melt away. Imagine the notes going up and down and hearing the singers voice slowly blend into yours and when you are sitting there you can dream, dream of something you want, something that means something to you. Feel like a little girl again, like you can dress up with some boots and a wig and sing into a brush while dancing around your room. But, the second you open your eyes you are brought back to reality and a tear slowly falls down your cheek.

A daily routine would consist of getting up, going to school, coming home to do homework, taking a shower, brushing your teeth, then finally going to bed to know that when you wake up you have to start to routine all over again. Sometimes you just want to get away, leave your life and take a break. You get to the point where you just can’t take it anymore and you just need to get away. It would be like just wondering out the front door to find yourself running down the street because your parents don’t even know that you are gone. You want to be able to go across the country and see things you would have never thought you would, be able to experience new cultures, see new things, be able to find a beach or an ocean and be able to just sit there on the beach watching the sun go down and make the world more beautiful and colorful than ever. Just be able to sit there and have no worries, no mental or physical pain, nothing, just the smell of coconuts and water, feel the breeze all over your body, see the waves slowly hit your feet and the sand in your toes. But the next morning, when reality hits, you wake up and you find yourself covered in dirt; you slept on pinecones and used a rock as a pillow. You go to open your eyes and the sun is staring you in the face. You wake up and you have the feeling of emptiness and being alone, knowing that at any moment something could happen and your scream for help would never be heard. You are weak and very hungry you have nothing to do, no where to go, and everything to worry about. All you are able to do is sit there wondering if anybody even cares enough about you to even go looking. The only good thing about waking up on a hill in the woods with wild animals is that you have a nice view of the city. You have no food, no water, no love, and all hate and regret.

When the going gets tough just give up. Life is pointless, you are here for a few years and then you are gone. You get your hopes and dreams up for something and then your feelings get ripped out of you, what you thought you would be able to reach the one thing you wanted in life and you come to find out that you thought of the unthinkable, the impossible. What’s the point of looking forward to something if you know you are never going to get it?

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