During the day, coming back from the first grade, I walked through the front door to our house to the whole room covered in blue, blankets, basinets, clothes, diapers, and my nephew, also known as baby number one laying down, asleep. His head full of black hair, my friend, and the best playing buddy I could ever ask for. My sister’s first child, and being “a child” herself still herself they both lived with my ma and I.

Then during the day, coming back from the 5th grade, again I walked through the front door to another house that we called home, to see my ma and my sister huddled around. Another full head of black hair, a new baby my second nephew laying asleep in his car seat. Little did we know all the problems and concerns that he would come with. The concern in our hearts got larger as time grew and the older he got, his intelligence didn’t with him.

Again during the day, this day the new baby, number 3 “walked” through the door and came to me, my niece. No different looking then her brothers, and she would be known as the trouble maker. The spoiled princess at the age of 3 would give you more attitude then a girl on her monthly “diagnose”.

Then again during the day on a school break from my junior year in high school. This time from a “little birdy”, I heard that baby number 4 and final arrived. 6 months later, unexpectedly after talking to my sister briefly on the phone, my ma and I rushed through the door. It was the day we got to see all the kids at once and at the same time. Anxiety and excitement ran through my body. My ma and I drove down just a few streets and pulled up to my sister’s house. I was ready, I knew that all of them were home and inside and the dad wasn’t going to be around for awhile. The father of my sister’s kids did not like my mom or me, or neither of our family members and vice versa. For years he’s left purple marks all over my sister’s tiny body with his ignoramus hands, and pain and hatred in each of our hearts. Having to sneak around just to spend time and see that the kids were okay, was not fair.

Walking up the steps to my sister’s house that I’ve spent the night at many times before, back when the dad was still behind bars, and going over with my big overnight bag that id throw down onto the floor of their master bedroom. The room with the big thin TV and over sized bed. The room my sister shared with somebody that I did not like, but he was gone for a long while and that’s all I cared about. Sleepovers at my sister’s house were what I looked forward to every weekend. I was able to see the kids, play video games with my nephew, eat dinner that either my sister had time to make or she would buy, and watching the love reality shows on vh1 with her. My bond with my sister is natural, 8 years apart in age and I’ve never had a serious conversation with her. But every night we’d all pile on the bed and fight for space until the TV and lights went off.

I listen, I hear footsteps run back and forth inside, and then I knocked on the door. The door opens and my sister stands holding the new baby, number 4, in her arms. I laugh at his big eyes and fat cheeks.
"Oh my goodness!" I exclaimed.

I could not believe how big he got, and behind him were baby number 1, 2, and 3. Each were so tall and just as excited to us as we were to see them. I opened my arms and walked through the door like I owned the place, and I took baby number 4 into my arms. Right away I kissed the baby over and over and took picture after picture of his adorable face. I looked around the room to see "my other kids" and to say hello, then I looked back into the eyes of the baby that was in my arms and I felt scared, my heart felt misplaced. This boy was not and did not know who I was, not because he's only a baby but only because this was the 3rd time I got to see him his whole young life. He won't feel close nor recognize my face like the other little ones. It’s hurtful that I seem to be closer to my friend’s baby then my own nephew. But I felt missed and love by the kids, the whole ten minutes I was in that room, I couldn't stop smiling. I guess you can say I felt the love in the air and warmth in my heart, but shortly ended when we had to say good bye. I figured I'd see them again; I didn't take advantage of the time I got to spend with them on that day. I squeezed each of them and asked for a kiss, then turn to give my sister a hug. My sister and I never hug and so it felt strange for those two seconds. At the time I thought things were going to get better, I would be able to see them more and when I want, but not at all. Time is precious and I should've taken advantage of it.