Lost Inside Myself

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There was way too much going on in my life and it finally caught up to me in a moment’s time. My parents have been divorced for many years, I found out I had gotten into a school that I really didn’t want to go to, and had many problems with friends and my dad. Plus there’s that one problem that all teens have with their image. I found out that I put way too much trust in them and never have been able to trust anyone fully since then. It makes me paranoid anytime I think to tell anyone anything. Many things race through my head: What if they tell their friends behind my back? Will they even look at me the same? Will I get told on? There were many things going on and they had been going on for awhile but just at that one time it all got to me. I had always known of healthy ways to get rid of all the stress but I just wasn’t in the mood to do any good, so I took all that anger out on myself.

It all started in 8th grade. I was having a fun, spending time with friends and was really busy so I couldn’t go visit my dad every other weekend like I was supposed to, but I went every chance I got. I was involved with the play and had many friends that I spent time with. My dad was getting mad at me for not coming like I should have and it put stress on me because there were things I made commitments to. It wasn’t like I wanted them to get divorced; I most definitely didn’t want to move away from all of my friends. I felt really torn because he would guilt trip me into going to his house, which I didn’t really mind his family was nice to me and we got along fairly well. The only bad thing was when he and my step-mother got into disagreements. When their arguments ended, I was always the one that got blamed for starting it and got singled out all the time. Life was difficult for me because I didn’t feel as if I belonged anywhere, especially after getting blamed for their argument. None of my step-siblings would talk to me after that. Anytime my step-mother asked my step-sister to help me she threw a big fit about it, as if she didn’t even want to be near me. A couple years after that they told me I needed to start bringing my own clothes from home, which I didn’t think was that right because their house is my house too but I went along with it. I share a room with my step-sister and only sometimes do I get to sleep on my pull out bed and sometimes I had to sleep on the couch. I really didn’t feel like they wanted me there or that I even belonged there. My dad has anger issues so I haven’t talked to him about this because I’m too scared of what will happen. I barely go there now and when I do I get kind of scared because I never know what’s going to happen.

As the year ended my mother and step-father wanted me to apply to this high school that my step-father went to when he was in high school. I didn’t really think much of it and I didn’t really want to go. I was having a great time with my friends and didn’t want to go to a different school than them. There was so much we did together and I didn’t want that to end. I went to the open house and it didn’t look like that bad of a school, but then again I was very hostile about it because I didn’t want to go so I didn’t pay much attention to it.
I had also heard many stereotypes I had heard about that school which made me not want to go even more. One of my friends was thinking about going too, but wasn’t forced to like I was. My parents wanted to make sure that my application was perfect I didn’t care. I wasn’t putting much effort into it, hoping that they would see that and give in and let me go to the school I wanted to that didn’t happen. I found that out after I got in. When my reaction wasn’t what my parents wanted, they began to ignore me. When I told my friends I got in we started having problems. They wouldn’t talk to me anymore and thought that I was going to be just like all the people that go there. Going to this school was going to change my life forever. This was a school for smarter people than me, so I felt as if I would be at the bottom of my class and always needing help. I was doing really well at my old school. I went to school like my parents wanted I feel as if I am always doing what they want and never anything for myself. I got there and was extremely scared I had no friends there or anyone to go to. People that went to the junior high that was affiliated with this school all stuck together and I felt all alone. After being there for awhile none of my old friends talked to me anymore and that really affected me. They were everything to me; I always put friends before everything. I had nobody to go talk to about this, about what I thought about the school or what I thought about losing my friends.

Body image is something that everybody has an issue with. I had a hard time with this. Sure there were people bigger than me, but the thing that really got me was that I was a slow runner and most everybody is good at running. At my elementary school I was always the one that came last in the mile and it made me feel good when I didn’t come in last in the mile anymore. There’s that crowd of people that everybody wants to be like too. They are all skinny and pretty and most people just look up to them because they want to look like them. I have always had a problem with what I look like and I still do. One day, my parents had made me mad, and just everything built up at that moment, everything that happened at my dads, with my friends getting into that school, and my body image. I also felt as if my parents didn’t care because I was in the 8th grade and had 3 year old brother and a newborn sister. I never got any attention and that that was difficult to get used to since I was the center of attention for eleven years. I wasn’t happy with myself at all. My book bag was sitting on my bed with me while I was doing my homework. I had always heard about those kids that self harm and even had one that went to my school. His arms were covered in scars and everyone was constantly staring at him. I always wondered how he didn’t notice and if he did why he didn’t care. He acted like it didn’t bother him and maybe it didn’t because he learned a lesson. My friends and I talked about this too, about what he did and how it wasn’t a good idea. In the back of my mind I always thought about it. I looked in my bag and found a pair of scissors. I felt horrible after that and I tried to hide it from my parents… but that didn’t work too well. Once you get into self harming it’s hard to get over it. It’s taken three years so far and I still don’t think I’ve quite gotten over it. One of my friends found out and her mom ended up calling my mom. The scars are still on my arm and sometimes it reminds me of the mistakes that I’ve made and teaches me a lesson every time I see them. Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of your past and that mistakes you’ve made

There were many things whether they were significant or not that affected me and made me choose a bad way of dealing with many emotions at once. There was my parents’ being divorced and problems with friends because of getting into a school. There were also problems with my dad and going to his house. There was also the issue that most teenagers have with body image. I took all my problems out on myself, which I know that isn’t the right thing to do. I’m just indifferent about it because I didn’t really get in trouble for it, I made my mom cry and they made me talk to the school councilor once. I’m not sure if I’ve really learned a lesson from it yet or not. Some people may call me crazy for saying that, but that’s just the way I am.





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