January 29, 2010
In Sunday school when I was younger I learned that self-sacrifice for others was a positive thing. It wasn't until much later that I came to find it not always to be worth it. I don't believe a bit of appreciation is too much to expect. My sophomore year, I threw the first cross country race for someone who was afraid and couldn't do it alone. Not even halfway done, she found herself keeled over and yearning for an end. After some encouraging words and running around her in circles about thirty times, she found the strength to get back up and continue ru- jogging. When we finished, 38 minutes since the start, we parted ways without the words that should've been said: thank you. I didn't think much of it until the criticism from my parents began and they contradicted everything I had once thought about putting others before myself. They told me that if helping others was going to affect my own life negatively then I should've overlooked their needs.
I used to think I had a tendency to surround myself with people that don't consider showing appreciation but I've come to the realization that only a few lovely people out of the many out there know how necessary it really is to keep up and stay in a good relationship with someone. Two simple words that numerous can't go out of their way to say.
In humans I fear that there is too much power in greed and selfishness will prevail over love in the end.
A teacher has told me once that human relationships are the deepest and truest base of human happiness and it has stuck with me ever since. For some strange reason, people try to fill their void with material things and accomplishments, positive things no doubt, but nothing compared to the joy felt by being really cared about and loved.
I hold so much respect for our rescuers who continue to go out of their way for others even with the doubt that they will ever receive the appreciation they know deep down inside they deserve.
No one wants to be taken for granted but somehow we still don't get around to making sure that our closest relations are reassured that we appreciate them. Whether we just don't care or don't realize, it doesn't matter.
Selflessness: an often pondered topic for me. Is there such a thing? Does it exist if good deeds are only done to boost up the self righteous? Maybe there's an amount you have to care that is only measurable by karma. A friend has told me intentions don't matter as long as there is a good deed being done. I tend to lean that way, but I still hope for the best in people.
We've all heard the story of the greatness of a poor man giving all he has juxtaposed with a rich man giving ten times more but not letting it affect his own extravagant lifestyle. I'm sure the charities appreciate the money either way. The rich people are passing it forward never mind their intentions and they're covering their toast even if it's only with 'I can't believe it's not butter.'
I like to think of myself as one of the less than narcissistic beings among us, but to be perfectly honest, I cannot pinpoint where the scale of good and bad lands when measuring my intentions. I don't particularly feel great about myself when going out of my way for others, but maybe that's because I feel like I shouldn't. There is no doubt in my mind that I care about the people whom I do it for, but I am sometimes tempted to stop and leave everyone who has taken me for granted with the false hope that they would realize the luxury of the kind of friend they no longer have. There is a book I've been meaning to read called Love is a Choice. I learned of it from a book that helps people become aware of their narcissism or deal with the fact that they surround themselves by narcissists. I hope I'm the latter or I read it all wrong. These questions do me no good to think of now when worry is only shortening but not crisco on my life that is a pan for more than just a piece of cake.

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