Zoom in on a girl with her homework already out on her desk, her hand rising subconsciously to answer what ever question her teacher spat out. Zoom in on a girl that secretly likes school. A girl that has a future. Her eyes look like mine, though hers are open wider. Take a walk down her old street. The one she grew up on. The one she could never imagine leaving. Knock on the door of the house at the end and peer through the peep hole. Theres a girl standing with two colors in her hair and the same Happy Bunny pajamas shes been wearing all week. Shes new in town so i ask her to go to youth group with me. As we walk to the church i tell her the at i'm jewish and she rolls on the sidewalk laughing at me. I join her, laughing at myself. Zoom out and se the house i still call home. Its to big for just my mom and i, but the comforting feeling of coziness stayed, even after everything else left. Zoom in on another fight about nothing. A strait A student claiming to have problems. Nobody made anything of my claims except the girl down the street. Now its winter of my eight grade year. Zoom in on the razor blades in my bedside drawer. A habit me and the girl down the street picked up together. Cut to summer. under a bed, i found a treat. I rolled a joint and walked to the park with the girl down the street. Zoom in on my sweet relief. cut to the therapists office. I reviled that I cut but had found a better outlet for my overwhelming emotions. She asked to see my arm and I shot her a glare like a bullet. She told my mom. Just what I needed, more trust issues. Thanks doc'. Now its Fall and high school is starting. She gets strait A's except for honors english. She bangs her head on her desk, channeling the blows to a spot on her forhead the controls her personality. Zoom in on the drop out sheet. Acidemic English, more sweet relief. These girls eyes start to look more and more like mine everyday. I start to learn that this place is just a factory. Engineering the same college bound minds. The same life path walked so many times that a trench began to from and only got deeper and deeper. I said, "F*** it" and stopped going to class. I wanted to know the exact dimensions of Hell. The pattern continues. Fast forward to sophomore year. Mt. Lebanon high school sends me to rehab. Metalilc and quivering, I cut myself for the first and last time. my grades are s*** but my teachers don't let me fail. Do they still see potental? I had to wonder. I didn't see anything. There was no reflection when I looked at the mirror. Point A to point B. Cut forward to now. A pathetic Junior with a whole life time of f*** ups, completed in just four years. To many handfuls of intagible bagage to grasp anything real. Looking back with nothing but regret and fondness. I have to shake my head. I have to shake my head until my neck hurts and I'm dizzy. Looking forward into nothingness. Looking at the future with the same glare I shot at my therapist. I'm loaded. The credits roll. My former self is mentioned. My best friend, acknowledge. They forgot my name. Pause. Rewind.
Time Changes Speeds
October 19, 2009