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On a dreary Friday, I stood outside. My hair was plastered to my cheeks and my lips were stained purple with the coldness of the air.. It started simply with a tragedy as most happy endings do, for you can never learn a lesson if you have not suffered a wrong.
The pain which had caused me to seek the escape which would in turn fill a void I did not no I needed was simple, the only limitation I had ever placed on myself, the one thing I could never live to watch; my parents splitting up ; was happening in the place I called home .
In the past there has been many events which to put lightly caused an alteration to my soul. As a young child I watched person after person filter out, I watched people commit acts of cruelty for no reason , and physically I suffered a scar which I can never reveal. As I grew up life however made u for the tragedies that had fallen on me and I was truly blessed with the step father I had been given, who provide and saved my family from the abyss in which it had resided in before his arrival.
It was in this land though of blissful happiness that another wonderful event would occur, or so I thought at least.
I would fall in love and do not call it infatuation or lust, it was neither of these things.
IT was love, he was my everything and I confided in him my entire person.
He was the only one I trusted and he provided me with a sanctuary from the hectic house I lived in, the dark memories I fought off from my past, and the ever stressing life as a teen.
When however he asked more than I could give he left, and through my biggest fears in my face. Ten months of my life disappeared and with it my world crashed. His friends were mine by association and there for when we ended they left . The isolation had began and would only continue to worse as time went on, life at home was now taking a dramatic turn for the worse.
MY mother was never at home anymore and her and my father struggled to get along, people left and right seemed to be on there death bed and I feared for the lives of three very dear aunts.
So I called him and he refused to help.
Again time turned, I was alone though,
So at first I seeked physical pain to mask the emotional pain I was suffering.
My arms bleed and my so called “clumsiness” as was my excuse was just in full swing.
Next was the nights I lay awake clutching my stomach as if that magically stopped it from craving food.
And as a last attempt to hurt less I attempted the unthinkable.
It was poison by pill that I tried and failed at.
I would heal after my episode and all was seemingly well.
I am in the tenth grade and on December 18th 2009 I cried in the bath tube it was 12:30 at night and I was pinching my skin so hard blood began to trickle down my body. I got out and tried to wash it off, maybe get it to stop but it just wouldn’t. Then my phone buzzed and the only person I felt I owed anything to texted me asking me what I was up too. “Cleaning up some blood.” Was my reply. This moment though isn’t who” Joanna” was, well she was and to this day is that person but she hasn’t always been.
This is who I was now. The girl that ultimately resorted back to old methods to deal with things that hurt to badly , like watching her mother walk out on a family just like “he” had a little over a year ago.
It was the hours which led to this that caused a change though. It was a dreary Friday, and I stood outside. My hair was plastered to my cheeks and my lips were stained purple with the coldness of the air. I had called Brett to come take me out of my crashing word.
He did , and it wasn’t until two minutes later in a parked car that I truly cried .
He just held me , he had no words of wisdom to offer , and maybe that’s why im hear writing this .
Even though he would have to drop me off at home and I would inflict pain on myself after the one time, I wouldn’t do it again.
It was his silent words that filled a void in me, there were no answers to tragic events such as this, instead it was a mathematical formula in the shape of a parabola.
Forever event there is a lesson learned and that means life can only improve.