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The Sarcastic Misadventures and Life Lessons from AP Chemistry
“The Sarcastic Misadventures and Life Lessons from AP Chemistry”
In a high school far, far away resides two female students embarking on a journey that very well may change their young lives forever. At the beginning of the year every student must make the choice: which classes will they take? It is this choice that defines the future of each individual student’s destiny in the high school universe. If chosen wisely one could reap immeasurable rewards, if not…well one is stuck losing their mind and eternally damning themselves for life. This is that story. With that we begin our adventure on the first day of school with two young hopefully wide-eyed happy teenage girls, their names: Cheyenne and Nicole, this will not be true for long. This is the Advanced Placement Chemistry Zone.
Lesson 1- Even the ignorant speak words of wisdom…sometimes
Chris: (twitching) You signed up for AP Chem.!
(Chris grabs Cheyenne and Nicole and starts shaking them) GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
Nicole: Damn him for being right.
(Cheyenne slams her head on desk)
Lesson 2-When making decisions in life one should not rely heavily on others, because then one ends up suffering in AP Chemistry!
(Dr. Wheeler is at the front of the room lecturing on equilibrium and titration reactions)
Cheyenne: God why am I in this class!?!
Nicole: Why are you in this class!?! Why am I in this class! I only signed up for it to be with you and Jeremy!
Cheyenne: ha, that’s right and then you and him broke up!
Nicole: (slams head on desk)
Lesson 3- In order to achieve one’s goals one must stay focused on that goal or one ends up failing AP Chemistry.
(Dr. Wheeler is passing back quizzes, he puts Nicole’s and Cheyenne’s face down on their desks, they both flip over their papers and look at their grades.)
Cheyenne: Failure! (Turns quiz back over)
Nicole: oh…oh that’s painful (turns quiz back over)
(Dr. Wheeler walks up behind the girls and puts his hands on their shoulders)
Dr. Wheeler: That’s what happens when you fall in love.
(Cheyenne and Nicole slam their heads on their desk.)
Lesson 4- From above the wicked will receive their just rewards, such s being tortured in AP Chem.
Nicole: God! Is it just me or is it hot in here?
(Dr. Wheeler cracks the door open.)
Cheyenne: Of course it is! It’s always hot in Hell!
Lesson 5- God reveals things in mysterious ways…
Nicole: Am I forever cursed by God to be tortured in this prison until the day I die!?
(There is a loud crash of lightning and then the power goes out)
Cheyenne: That’s a yes.
(Nicole slams her head on her desk.)
Lesson 6- Sadism isn’t enjoyable when you are the victim of such sadist acts.
(Dr. Wheeler is at the front of the classroom sitting in his desk grading papers. He very enthusiastically dances and laughs as he grades.)
Dr. Wheeler: Oh wow! I’m running out of red ink from marking all of these wrong answers! (He manically laughs)
Nicole and Cheyenne: (twitch and slam their heads against their desks)
Lesson 7- Don’t eat fruit from talking snakes.
(Thousands of years ago in the Garden of Eden)
Snake: Hey eat this (hands blonde Eve forbidden fruit)
Eve: Okay (takes bite from the fruit, instantly damning all of mankind and creating AP Chemistry).
Dr. Wheeler: You have a quiz tomorrow.
Cheyenne: I hate this! God never meant for us to take AP Chemistry! That’s why he made the garden! If it wasn’t for Eve we would be sitting next to a waterfall right now drinking fruit drinks!
Nicole: Damn her. (Cheyenne slams her head against her desk)
Lesson 8- Having a positive attitude in life often helps in the long run (well except in AP Chemistry)
Nicole: Failed, I so failed. I already know it.
Cheyenne: No, oh come on! Let’s try and have a positive attitude!
Nicole: Okay I’m positive I failed.
(Dr. Wheeler hands test back, Nicole and Cheyenne both failed)
Nicole: And yet again AP Chemistry has shown me that in the real world pessimist always beat optimist.
(Cheyenne slams head against desk.)
Lesson 9- Seeking wisdom from those more experienced, older, and wiser often times helps in life…or not.
Dr. Wheeler: Okay guys the AP Exam is coming up, you have to take it at the end of May and I want you all to be as prepared as much as possible. So at this time you can ask any questions you may have about the exam.
Cheyenne: How many of your students have passed the AP Exam?
Dr. Wheeler: One
Nicole: And how long have you been teaching this class?
Dr. Wheeler: over twenty years. (The entire class erupts into panic)
Cheyenne: How did he pass?
Dr. Wheeler: I honestly don’t know (FLASHBACK!)
(It’s now the 70s, Dr. Wheeler has an afro and is at the mystical AP Gods temple with the only student who’s ever passed the AP Chemistry Exam)
Afro-Dr. Wheeler: Bow down and pray to the AP Gods to show mercy on your worthless soul!
Student: Oh please AP Gods! Please bless me with some of your wisdom to allow me to make it through the AP exam alive! (The student is posed by AP Holy Spirit and falls to the ground).
Nicole: Did you just see that?
Cheyenne: I think so…but just to be sure what did you see?
Nicole: I think I just saw a flashback of the student who passed praying to the AP Chemistry Gods.
Cheyenne: Good, me too. (Cheyenne and Nicole look at each other and the fall to their knees)
Cheyenne and Nicole: Oh AP Chemistry Gods please shed some of your Chemistry wisdom on us!
AP Chemistry God: Um no, you just fail.
Cheyenne and Nicole: Damn it! (They slam their heads on the floor)
Lesson 10- In life one will face many challenges such as AP exams!
(Day of AP Exam)
Dr. Wheeler: Welcome to the AP Exam students. You will have four hours to fudge, I am complete your exam. You’re all screwed. Motion sickness bags are located under your chairs and oxygen masks can be requested. The first question of the exam is opening the exam (Evil minions pass out the booklets. They are the size of textbooks, their hardcover and completely engulfed in chains and locks.) Oh yes and your time started back when I said “you’re all screwed”.
(Cheyenne and Nicole both desperately try to open their exams for two hours, in-between spasms, until finally they both give up and sleep, using the booklets as pillows.)
Dr. Wheeler: aw aren’t underachieving failures so cute when they’re sleeping?
(Cheyenne and Nicole lift their heads, groan, and slam their heads back down on the desks.)
Lesson 11- It is everyone’s duty in life to pass on the knowledge they’ve gained to the younger generation.
(Shayna, a girl a year behind Nicole and Cheyenne, has just told them that she has signed up for AP Chemistry).
Nicole: Get out of her! Get out of her my people! She is Babylon the Great and she is falling! (Cheyenne slaps Nicole) Thanks I needed that.
Cheyenne: Shayna? You see how I switch? I didn’t use to twitch but that’s what AP Chemistry does to you!
Nicole: (manically grabbing Shayna) Please save yourself before it’s too late!
Shayna: I don’t know…I’ll think about it. (Shayna walks away. Nicole and Cheyenne stare after her).
Cheyenne: She’s a goner.
Nicole: oh she was so young! (Nicole turns and begins sobbing on Cheyenne’s shoulder)