Conquering Crazy

December 6, 2009
By boston418 SILVER, Weymouth, Massachusetts
boston418 SILVER, Weymouth, Massachusetts
5 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Eliot

I tapped my heels on the leg of my chair and smoothed out my skirt. The nurse practitioner stared at me through the grandma-style reading glasses perched at the edge of her nose. “Hmmmmmm,” she moaned. I didn’t think they actually did that in real life. Her eyes glanced over and over the results of the interview she had with me over the past hour. A minute ago, she had called my mom into the room. I braced myself. She finally began to interpret them.

“Based on the description of your sleeping patterns, mood fluctuations, and personality as well as your genetic history, I am diagnosing you with…”

My mind said the words at the same time as her: “Bipolar disorder.”

“Rapid cycling bipolar type I, to be exact,” she finished. Exact. Bipolar disorder can’t be detected physically directly; the only way to diagnose it is to carefully observe a patient and see if her or she has the mood and sleep fluctuations, obsessive or abnormal behaviors, self-control issues, high-low swings, and social difficulties generally associated with the disorder. I wanted to know which nonexistent chemical test she used to give her such concrete results. Let me tell you, having her look at my life and say that even without scientific evidence she felt that I was clinically insane did not exactly boost my confidence. She talked for another twenty minutes or so, but I didn’t hear a word of it.

I played it cool as I walked out of her office, but the bones in my legs were about as sturdy as boiled asparagus. I wondered if it was as obvious to the people I knew as it was to her. I thought back to certain events in my life that could undoubtedly be attributed to my disorder- like the time I went to camp with my church and felt the unnecessary necessity to argue the heck out of every point that my pastor made that I disagreed. I could still hear my youth pastor confronting me, “Steph, I don’t understand. You keep making things bigger than they are. You’re acting very odd. I’m not mad at you, but I so disappointed.”
I remembered the last two months of my sophomore year, wherein I don’t think I completed a single homework assignment on time. My history teacher called me back to his desk, “Steph, I just don’t get it. You have so much potential that you’re just letting go to waste.”
I remembered a time when one of my male friends asked me to hang out, but I was so paranoid that he might be trying to get close to me, that I convinced myself that he had asked me on a date and absolutely freaked. He was so confused and caught off guard by the situation that he just walked off the scene. That was two years ago, and we have not talked since.
The chorus of disappointments played over and over through my mind. My mom drove me back to school (I had been dismissed for the appointment.) My focus-ability took a vacation; I don't even remember which class I returned to. I was consumed by the heartache, confusion, and disappointment my disorder must have caused to my friends, family, and teachers. I wondered if I really was bipolar. Maybe I wasn’t, but I was such a jerk that I seemed like a lunatic. Everything was too much to swallow. I was beginning to sweat and I could feel my face getting hot. I worried myself sick.

That day was one of the craziest days of my life (no pun intended.) For weeks after, my mind was plagued with apprehensions about needing to take medication, embarrassment that the bipolar may show itself when I was talking to people, and a dark, stealthy fear that I might have a breakdown or, like some bipolar patients do, become randomly and unexplainably suicidal. I was horrified that someone would find out and then no longer be able to take me seriously. I stopped going to youth group because I knew that everyone could tell that something had been up with me. I isolated myself from everyone, not talking about or showing any emotion whatsoever for fear of seeming vulnerable.

But God changed that for me. After school one day, I was talking to a friend who was struggling to find her identity in Christ and see herself as valuable. I was about to reply with “Yeah, that’s really tough,” or something like that, but then suddenly I had a great response that must have come from the Holy Spirit. “I don’t think that the problem is lack of confidence,” I said, “but I think it’s lack of faith. I think the real question is ‘Do I have the faith to believe God when he says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, even when I don’t feel like I’m wonderful?’” Suddenly, I knew why they called the Bible the sword of the Spirit, because my own quoting of Scripture pierced me right through the heart. Do I have the faith to believe God when he says I am fearfully and wonderfully made?

Today, by God’s grace, I no longer live in isolation. He has given me the ability to “let my light shine before men, that they may… praise my father in heaven.”

Every morning I wake up, I fight the good fight. As soon as I sit up in my bed, the depression hits me like a freight train and I don’t want to do anything. I don’t feel worthy to go to school because I’ll be a burden to the class. I should’ve slept on the floor last night, because I don’t deserve this bed. I don’t even deserve blue eyes. But then I see the sunlight breaking through the cracks in my curtains, spilling onto my comforter, and I know that God is whispering to me, “This is the day that I have made.” He gives me the strength to decide that I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Some days, the mania is so intense, I can’t sit still. I’m up half the night doing random things like writing recipes, crocheting scarves, and trying to translate Swahili poems. I have random urges to bite and scratch things. Those are the times that the silence of the night reminds my heart of peace and rest, and I can be still and know that he is God.

Now, I thank God for my mental illness because through it, he has showed me what it truly means to rely on him. I go in and out like a tide, but he is my solid rock. He is showing me that I can have the peace and confidence to talk about it and share my experiences with others so that he can use me to help them. I look at the lives of other teenage girls that bore my diagnosis, such as Britney Spears, Marylyn Monroe, and Judy Garland. If it weren’t for God, my life more than likely would have been very similar to their lives, torn to shreds by madness and cut short by paranoia.

On my own, I am nothing more than a psychotic maniac. But through Christ, I am so much more. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

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This article has 8 comments.

thewriter said...
on Apr. 23 2010 at 7:44 pm
Thank you!

on Apr. 23 2010 at 3:06 pm
magic-esi PLATINUM, Hyde Park, New York
27 articles 0 photos 231 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light."

This is so inspiring. Even though I am not Christian, I have had an experience similar to this. This is written very well and you make me understand exactly what you are going through. My eyes didn't leave the screen the whole time I read it- it was very good.

on Mar. 15 2010 at 8:27 pm
boston418 SILVER, Weymouth, Massachusetts
5 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Eliot

Welcome! And I loved your article, by the way. I've never met anyone else with it, actually, so it was interesting for me to hear it from your perspective.

on Mar. 15 2010 at 4:14 pm
fictionlover10 SILVER, Scottsdale, Arizona
6 articles 0 photos 59 comments
I know that you've read my article because you posted a comment there, and I just wanted to say that this was a great look into how it feels to be diagnosed. I know how it is to be AROUND someone when they find out they have BP, but not how it is to BE that person. Thanks, this was a great story.

on Mar. 8 2010 at 8:55 pm
boston418 SILVER, Weymouth, Massachusetts
5 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Eliot

Haha thanks. I guess I didn't too a fabulous job articulating. I LOVE my BP. I wouldn't trade it for the world... it teaches me so much every day! But to be diagnosed with a serious diagnosis that caused many people (including me) to doubt my own lucidity was definitely a shock. Thanks for the support!

on Feb. 13 2010 at 9:02 am
boston418 SILVER, Weymouth, Massachusetts
5 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Eliot

Thank you!

qualquun said...
on Feb. 12 2010 at 11:44 pm
good article. it's awesome that you have found something to live for, to get up for, to take your medications for - of course it should be yourself, but there needs to be an even bigger reason too, and for you that's God. i went through similar motions after i was diagnosed. i did that a year after my diagnosis (i have NOS though). it's interesting to see all the ways your life has been tainted by this disease. keep fighting

Jacksprak said...
on Jan. 31 2010 at 3:50 pm
I do not find that bipolar means you are crazy. I find it just makes you diferent. You see things in a strange and sometimes horrible way, but you are not crazy. I was diagnosed with Mania, a sort of half bipolar. I really don't think I'm nuts, so why should you be? I loved your article, but don't put yourself down, you're just as insane as the rest of us, not overly so.

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