Relationships Are Sinking

November 9, 2009
I'd like to believe that everything was genuine. That your hand grazed my cheek, fire to ice, and you kissed me before it happened--a sign of true affection, something that's far too foreign for you to comprehend.

But that's not how it happened. It was rough and uncomfortable; I can still feel the cold tarp against my skin. Give and take--but all you wanted was the latter.You'd take the satisfaction and everything that mattered to me: my innocence, my childhood, my relationship. Everything you had stolen created another invisible bruise. Turn me inside out and you'd see the stitches of the pieces that make up my perfectly happy, perfectly stable facade.

And what would I gain? a guilty conscience, blame and self-hatred. The voice in my head screaming, "This is all your fault" whenever I happened upon the incident in my memory. I'd wander down the path of victimization, holding a white rose in your honor. The thorns pricked me, the openings bleeding out pieces of me to let in more of you.

I fell in love, and you took the last essential piece of me: my heart. I fell freely into the pain, embracing numbness as your hands spin spider webs around my delicate frame. Tightening like a corset, I'd lose my breath at the sight of the masochistic gleam in your eye. And still your webs continued to spin: harder and each time around went faster than the last.

I'd like to believe you told me, "Hey, I love you too" but wishful thinking often gets a person nowhere.

You took and took and took from me, left me gasping for air in your wake. Caring was not your forte, and neither was rejection. The silence you left me with scarred more than the forgotten promises you left shattered at my feet.

You ran like a coward with your tail tucked between your legs. Denial was your ally, and I became your enemy. I tiptoed around you, walking on glass. We turned our relationship into a game of keep away; you hid your feelings that i so badly wanted to hear.

I broke out of your webs, leapt over your broken promises and into a new path: survival. I was done blaming myself and blaming you. You still had my heart and I still had my memory, but you could not take my words. I began to spin circles around you, waiting for you just open your eyes and see me. That, too, was a failed attempt at some sort of recognition.
The tables turned. I ran away with my tail between my legs, a sign of my own failure. Our relationship lay beside me, crumpled up and tossed away. My tears finally began to fall, one by one, reminding me of another day with you.

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Hay_Wire This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 26, 2009 at 11:28 pm
i can in this case, say i know how you feel. hold on tight.
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