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Expectations

By , Schaumburg, IL
All my life I've had high expectations. I understand the B gifted fail and the necessity of always being on top, perfect. I and the people like me have gotten the reputation of overachievers, and "smart" people, but we're not. Well maybe we are, but I know there are still a lot of things I'm not good at. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I'm not perfect, don't get perfect grades, I just put enough work get them at my standards. They aren't exceptional to me, they simply are, and always were, they are my normal. But these high standards get me in trouble. I've found myself wasting hours doing a project, getting things to sound or look just right, or I can't accept its completion. I can't purposely in full knowledge do things badly, so I stay awake working till it's done.
But sleep isn't the only thing affected by my expectations and standards. My personal life also gets guidelines and levels. I've defined myself, my actions, my personality, my soul with complete determination to be the best I can be. I calculate to see what works, what doesn't work, what actions are paired with reactions amongst differing people. Based on these observations I shape myself to fit what I want their image of me to be. Pull on the correct splinter of personality I want to emphasize and play the game. Consequently I'm easily liked, but make few good friends. The lack of deep friendship I blame on accidental intimidation on my part and misunderstanding on theirs.
Since I learned to live treating others as I would like to be treated, I expect others to treat me the way I treat them. Maybe I see things differently and they treat me just as well, but I usually find a disproportional feeling of trust and love. All I want is to be cared about. Invited to things, included. I want hellos in the halls, a decorated locker on my birthday, people to call and go places with. People who care about me and show they care. But I often find myself depressed because I haven't got what I want. What I yearn for. What keeps me up and makes me cry. What makes me ask what's wrong with me? What makes me question why I choose to stand out? Which makes me wonder if I can blame it on my unusual start or if it's all my fault?
But then things look up. And I knew I never really wanted to change in the first place and really I just need to find people who care for me and can show they care. So I leave the old and unacceptable behind and look for new. Usually, but not always, maintaining a low to none number of enemies and haters.
And still I carry around the guilt and frustration of being ordinary, of being different, or being human. Still work on perfecting my personality, distinguish right from wrong, working from flawed, good from perfect. All while knowing perfect is something I can never become. But striving for it is the second best, so it will have to meet my expectations.





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