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Things I Carry

By , Mill Spring, NC
Life has been interesting. Not interesting like a slight snow shower in March, but interesting like a blizzard in the harsh heat of July. My life is incredibly out of character and hard to bear. The things I carry wear on me like sandpaper on polished redwood, slowly removing each pristine layer until it is stripped down to the core. Stifled by my incomprehensible fear of failure, I live my life on the safe side. Instead of putting myself in the open, I hide behind my fears and coast through my trials. I live with these fears, and they keep me sane, make me human, and preserve the meticulous schedules I have created. The schedules I create to maintain order in a life of disorderly fear: fear of not living up to my parents' expectations, fear of failing to be as good as I am able, and fear of people thinking less of me because I don't meet their standards. These fears inhibit me. Like my fear of being poor, they control my habits and my emotions. The never ending struggle to keep my bank account above $1300, the $400 hoarded away in my room, and the psychosis that comes every time a bill must be paid or an unexpected expense appears: all of these weigh on my mind constantly. Instead of pursuing a normal life, I am crippled by my fears and insecurities. Because of them, I will settle for a life of normalcy and mediocrity that will never fulfill the often-ignored person inside of me, and because of them, I will stay alone. Even so, my insatiable fears are not the only pieces of my life that hold blame. With them, I carry unrequited love and lost dreams. I carry years of frantically grasping at emotions that were never there, of dreams I have forgotten to chase, and of memories I'd rather not remember. I carry stories that have yet to be told: stories of love, of rape, and of fear throughout my interesting life. My life doesn't have the pleasantry of a snow shower in March, but the intensity and abnormality of a blizzard in late July. My life is the burden I carry, however interesting it may seem from the outside.





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This article has 5 comments. Post your own now!

LittleMissWhimsical This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 8:52 pm
You write so lovely and even though things are hard; at least you were brave enough to write about it. Lovely, just lovely writing indeed.
 
Healing_Angel said...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 1:34 am
You can only do the best you can at the time and if it's not good enough for anyone else, then that's their problem, not yours. I know that sounds easier said than done, but it's true. Take Care.  
 
emilysbreakfast said...
Nov. 1, 2009 at 12:57 pm
your piece is very eloquent,
i bet a lot of people can relate.
 
colliganc said...
Oct. 29, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Great Peice, everyone carries thing on them they wish to forget but most of their memories and stories, paths they have choosen make them who they are today. You should live life like no one is watching instead of living up to everyone elses standered. Yes it is good to live on the safe side but you should also have fun because you only get to live your life once so you should make it the best it can be. I like when you say " The things I carry wear on me like sandpaper on polished redwood,... (more »)
 
penguin35 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Good piece! I hope your life improves :)
 
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