Perhaps I'll Never Be "Normal"

October 21, 2009
By JennJenn BRONZE, Bangor, Pennsylvania
JennJenn BRONZE, Bangor, Pennsylvania
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."
— Chuck Palahniuk


I am pondering; wondering. An infamous question, that has the entire world in a rut, I believe. This question says everything or nothing at all. It can mean someone’s life, or simply a question, stated in a normal everyday conversation. The question, you ask?
Why.
One word, yet it means so much.
Background of me: diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age thirteen, it seems now… now it seems I have been plagued. Picking up ADHD, OCD, and possible PTSD (though I believe that was a false diagnosis) did not help either.
For years, I struggled. Between outburst of anger, running away, cutting, and even thoughts so bad that I wrote a suicide note… it all seemed horrible- again, a plague. And whenever it seemed it was better, when I started to feel normal again… I was hospitalized. Six times to be exact.
So back to the question…
I am one day fresh out of the hospital after hearing a man’s voice in my head. “DO IT,” he would say… yet I never knew what he meant to do. And upon arriving in the threshold of the hospital, it seems everyone knew me better than I did.

“So the voice was telling you to hurt yourself….” They would say, scribbling on those god-forsaken notebooks.

“No,” I would answer honestly, yet even I could hear the anger in my voice. “It- the voice, I mean- would just say ‘DO IT’.”
The look I got back was one I had seen before… a look like I were to be telling a lie. Covering the scars on my arm I stated flatly- “Really, I don’t know what it meant. Throw things? Hurt people, maybe? I don’t know…”

My answer for everything- I don’t know. Questions I want to avoid, or just drop the subject. Yet in the psychiatric unit, nothing seems to get by them.

I beg to differ.

You see, they try to diagnose us all with the usual- bipolar, depressed, angry. Categorized, Classified… split into our psychotic labels. But it seems that when a different or unusual case comes their way, they have no way of dealing with it, any better than we do ourselves.

I was told it was stressed, and all five of my medications were increased, and a sixth was added. To me, that means the usual, same old answer that I could give myself:

I don’t know.

Yes, I’m at a point I believe they don’t know. Not any better than these patients on the other side of the table know. We listen to these people, and trust them with our lives, literally. And perhaps they do care, but I cannot look at it any other way then a way to make money, a living. A degree in what they do- yes. Any clue of what it feels like? No.

So let me try to explain what I’m feeling now.

It’s anger, more than anger. The feeling my head might just explode. I can hear, yet not really. The sounds are muffled, quiet. Yet annoyances such as the dog barking have me screaming like a lunatic. I breath heavily, my head aches. I run my fingers through my hair repeatedly, wishing I could tear it out. My foot has not stopped shaking, my body feels like its imploding, and that’s just my physical problems…

. I want to punch something, throw something, jump off somewhere, or at least cut. But I can’t, and I know this. I cannot disappoint my loved ones as I have in the past. But still, the urge, this uncontainable feeling-so strong, it takes over-it’s there. My thoughts are in a jumble, a whirlwind of thoughts, urges, yet no sound or color. Like a silent horror movie.


My point is, I feel I should be cured, at least by now, if not years ago. But this disorder, if its even correctly diagnosed, seems to grow, like the AIDS virus. No way to cure it, only ways of treating it for short amounts of time until... another relapse.

I believe I cannot take this, I believe it isn’t fair.

So the infamous question appears again here, when I was lying in my bed, curled with my knees hugged tight to my chest. Crying, I whispered…

Why? Why me? Why can’t I be normal?

Perhaps I’ll never be…

But…

Why?



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This article has 10 comments.


on Oct. 15 2012 at 10:54 pm
countrygirl28 GOLD, Colleyville, Texas
15 articles 137 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." -Jim Morrison
"Don't think or judge. Just listen." -Sarah Dessen

I am currently diagnosed with the following: OCD, Mood Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, Aspergers Syndrome and Misohponia. I have been seeing a psychologist for about 3 years now, and a psychatrist for about 1 year. When my OCD started, all I wanted to do was die-I thought it was the only solution. I serisously wanted nothing to do with life. I hated everyone, everything. I hated the world. Thankfully, my psychologist saved me. It took a lot of work getting to where I am today. I've come close to going to a psychatrictic hospital, but never went. I am currently on 2 medications for my OCD and Mood Disorder. I wish I could say I know how you feel; however, I do not experience empathy (because of Aspergers). I will say that we've been through similar experiences, and I wish you the best. These disorders take over your life. They engulf you in their darkness. They lure you into their lies. Stay strong and remember you are YOU- not a label.

on Jun. 5 2012 at 3:38 pm
AngelBaron PLATINUM, Dallas, Oregon
21 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything has been figured out, except how to live. " -Jean-Paul Sartre

PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder.

on Dec. 3 2010 at 3:57 pm
Mandiella DIAMOND, Plaistow, New Hampshire
73 articles 58 photos 349 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't waste time. Start procrastinating now.

This is a great piece. Very emotional. But one very big problem it has is that when you stated that "Why" is a hard question, you didn't put a question mark after it so it took me a while to figure out that "Why?" was the question. That was pretty much the most dramatic phrase of the story so it should be written correctly. By the way, what is PTSD? And how do you "pick up" OCD? Everyone has OCD in some way. We're born with it. That is not something that would make you "abnormal". If you have extreme OCD, then say that. I like what you said about how sometimes with mental disorders, there is not diagnosis specifically. It is just how you think, not a certain disease. This was overall very good. I hope you are feeling better now! :)

on Nov. 23 2010 at 12:49 pm
JennJenn BRONZE, Bangor, Pennsylvania
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."
— Chuck Palahniuk

i know i havent been on here in a while... things have gotten out of control for a bit, only a little better now. coming on here and reading these comments... wow. they cheered me up. thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for the suppport!!!!!

on Aug. 15 2010 at 1:05 am
Healing_Angel SILVER, Sydney, Other
8 articles 2 photos 513 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live for today, not for tomorrow

I can relate to feeling scared, confused and angry at life and I've had experiences with anger that make me feel as though I'm out of control, but I've learnt to manage it. I have no experience of being on a psych unit so I can only imagine what it feels like. I've also had experiences where people thought they could tell me what was wrong with me, but I later found out thaey had no idea. It's tough, but if you have friends to support you, it can get better. I'm here if you ever want to talk to me. Take Care.    

on Jul. 2 2010 at 9:56 pm
Someone_Who_Is_Loved GOLD, Mount Forest, Other
10 articles 0 photos 82 comments

Favorite Quote:
This quote is one I made up.....
"You can't climb a mountian without a harness." It means that you can't go where you want to get in life without the help of your friends or family.

What is NORMAL anyway? I don't believe in the word NORMAL, because it means nothing to me. I have a PACEMAKER, which is a metal device inserted in me, to help my heart beat at a normal pace. (My own heart is too slow). I have scars all over my chest, which makes things like bikinis and low cut tops hard to wear. I WEAR THEM ANYWAY. Sure, people ask me questions and stare, but in my mind, THIS IS NORMAL. Normal means being yourself, and living your life to the fullest. I hope everything works out, and BTW you're an awesome writer ;) I want to be the first to get a copy of your book. SIGNED!

Bethani GOLD said...
on Mar. 25 2010 at 9:55 pm
Bethani GOLD, Highlands Ranch, Colorado
10 articles 0 photos 508 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is perfect until you sit back and realize how boring it is without risks.

i have heard voices too and they told me to do simliar things. the voices are on and off thing. i hate them! you can get better i promise

on Feb. 21 2010 at 6:00 pm
JennJenn BRONZE, Bangor, Pennsylvania
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."
— Chuck Palahniuk

thanks, everyone! it means a lot when people post positive things like that :)

fyreflies said...
on Feb. 19 2010 at 1:42 pm
I have a friend who takes a lot of meds for the same things. You and this friend of mine have a lot in common and I think that you'll be able to get through this. Someday, you might be "normal" if you can help yourself get through this and have people stand by you.

qualquun said...
on Feb. 12 2010 at 11:49 pm
hey, it's possible to be normal. i was diagnosed with all of the things you were diagnosed with, including PTSD. you may never feel 100% like everyone else. but it's possible to not feel so outside of the world. it takes a while for the medications to be tweaked just right. you may have been misdiagnosed. the anger sounds a lot like a manic episode. you may be overmedicated. there are a lot of different things that could be happening. but this disease refuses to be treated unless you fight, fight really really hard. otherwise it will happily take over. you will always have to fight, that's just a fact. you can do it though. you may never not get an answer to your why, but you'll figure out the how.


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