Perhaps I'll Never Be "Normal"

I am pondering; wondering. An infamous question, that has the entire world in a rut, I believe. This question says everything or nothing at all. It can mean someone’s life, or simply a question, stated in a normal everyday conversation. The question, you ask?
Why.
One word, yet it means so much.
Background of me: diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age thirteen, it seems now… now it seems I have been plagued. Picking up ADHD, OCD, and possible PTSD (though I believe that was a false diagnosis) did not help either.
For years, I struggled. Between outburst of anger, running away, cutting, and even thoughts so bad that I wrote a suicide note… it all seemed horrible- again, a plague. And whenever it seemed it was better, when I started to feel normal again… I was hospitalized. Six times to be exact.
So back to the question…
I am one day fresh out of the hospital after hearing a man’s voice in my head. “DO IT,” he would say… yet I never knew what he meant to do. And upon arriving in the threshold of the hospital, it seems everyone knew me better than I did.

“So the voice was telling you to hurt yourself….” They would say, scribbling on those god-forsaken notebooks.

“No,” I would answer honestly, yet even I could hear the anger in my voice. “It- the voice, I mean- would just say ‘DO IT’.”
The look I got back was one I had seen before… a look like I were to be telling a lie. Covering the scars on my arm I stated flatly- “Really, I don’t know what it meant. Throw things? Hurt people, maybe? I don’t know…”

My answer for everything- I don’t know. Questions I want to avoid, or just drop the subject. Yet in the psychiatric unit, nothing seems to get by them.

I beg to differ.

You see, they try to diagnose us all with the usual- bipolar, depressed, angry. Categorized, Classified… split into our psychotic labels. But it seems that when a different or unusual case comes their way, they have no way of dealing with it, any better than we do ourselves.

I was told it was stressed, and all five of my medications were increased, and a sixth was added. To me, that means the usual, same old answer that I could give myself:

I don’t know.

Yes, I’m at a point I believe they don’t know. Not any better than these patients on the other side of the table know. We listen to these people, and trust them with our lives, literally. And perhaps they do care, but I cannot look at it any other way then a way to make money, a living. A degree in what they do- yes. Any clue of what it feels like? No.

So let me try to explain what I’m feeling now.

It’s anger, more than anger. The feeling my head might just explode. I can hear, yet not really. The sounds are muffled, quiet. Yet annoyances such as the dog barking have me screaming like a lunatic. I breath heavily, my head aches. I run my fingers through my hair repeatedly, wishing I could tear it out. My foot has not stopped shaking, my body feels like its imploding, and that’s just my physical problems…

. I want to punch something, throw something, jump off somewhere, or at least cut. But I can’t, and I know this. I cannot disappoint my loved ones as I have in the past. But still, the urge, this uncontainable feeling-so strong, it takes over-it’s there. My thoughts are in a jumble, a whirlwind of thoughts, urges, yet no sound or color. Like a silent horror movie.


My point is, I feel I should be cured, at least by now, if not years ago. But this disorder, if its even correctly diagnosed, seems to grow, like the AIDS virus. No way to cure it, only ways of treating it for short amounts of time until... another relapse.

I believe I cannot take this, I believe it isn’t fair.

So the infamous question appears again here, when I was lying in my bed, curled with my knees hugged tight to my chest. Crying, I whispered…

Why? Why me? Why can’t I be normal?

Perhaps I’ll never be…

But…

Why?





Join the Discussion

This article has 10 comments. Post your own now!

countrygirl28 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 15, 2012 at 10:54 pm
I am currently diagnosed with the following: OCD, Mood Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, Aspergers Syndrome and Misohponia. I have been seeing a psychologist for about 3 years now, and a psychatrist for about 1 year. When my OCD started, all I wanted to do was die-I thought it was the only solution. I serisously wanted nothing to do with life. I hated everyone, everything. I hated the world. Thankfully, my psychologist saved me. It took a lot of work getting to where I am today. I've come cl... (more »)
 
penguin35 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 3, 2010 at 3:57 pm
This is a great piece. Very emotional. But one very big problem it has is that when you stated that "Why" is a hard question, you didn't put a question mark after it so it took me a while to figure out that "Why?" was the question. That was pretty much the most dramatic phrase of the story so it should be written correctly. By the way, what is PTSD? And how do you "pick up" OCD? Everyone has OCD in some way. We're born with it. That is not something that would make you "abnormal". If you ha... (more »)
 
AngelBaron replied...
Jun. 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm
PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder.
 
JennJenn said...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 12:49 pm
i know i havent been on here in a while... things have gotten out of control for a bit, only a little better now. coming on here and reading these comments... wow. they cheered me up. thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for the suppport!!!!!
 
Someone_Who_Is_Loved said...
Jul. 2, 2010 at 9:56 pm
What is NORMAL anyway? I don't believe in the word NORMAL, because it means nothing to me. I have a PACEMAKER, which is a metal device inserted in me, to help my heart beat at a normal pace. (My own heart is too slow). I have scars all over my chest, which makes things like bikinis and low cut tops hard to wear. I WEAR THEM ANYWAY. Sure, people ask me questions and stare, but in my mind, THIS IS NORMAL. Normal means being yourself, and living your life to the fullest. I hope everything works out... (more »)
 
Bethani said...
Mar. 25, 2010 at 9:55 pm
i have heard voices too and they told me to do simliar things. the voices are on and off thing. i hate them! you can get better i promise
 
JennJenn said...
Feb. 21, 2010 at 6:00 pm
thanks, everyone! it means a lot when people post positive things like that :)
 
fyreflies said...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 1:42 pm
I have a friend who takes a lot of meds for the same things. You and this friend of mine have a lot in common and I think that you'll be able to get through this. Someday, you might be "normal" if you can help yourself get through this and have people stand by you.
 
qualquun said...
Feb. 12, 2010 at 11:49 pm
hey, it's possible to be normal. i was diagnosed with all of the things you were diagnosed with, including PTSD. you may never feel 100% like everyone else. but it's possible to not feel so outside of the world. it takes a while for the medications to be tweaked just right. you may have been misdiagnosed. the anger sounds a lot like a manic episode. you may be overmedicated. there are a lot of different things that could be happening. but this disease refuses to be treated unless you f... (more »)
 
Healing_Angel This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 15, 2010 at 1:05 am
I can relate to feeling scared, confused and angry at life and I've had experiences with anger that make me feel as though I'm out of control, but I've learnt to manage it. I have no experience of being on a psych unit so I can only imagine what it feels like. I've also had experiences where people thought they could tell me what was wrong with me, but I later found out thaey had no idea. It's tough, but if you have friends to support you, it can get better. I'm here if you e... (more »)
 
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