Fate comes with Hate and Hate comes with Love

September 30, 2009
By , Highland Village, TX
The Yelling, the screaming, the common disarray of disrespect urked me. Day after day O hear this, their actions exclaim I don’t care. They do what they want and care for no one but themselves. I hate that everyday this happens and not one moment goes by when someone is not in trouble. Why couldn’t I have one day without misery, without trouble, and or without anger or sadness. I can’t take this anymore, needles piercing through my skin with every screech. I run down the street and never, not once, did I look back. They didn’t understand, they couldn’t, they wouldn’t; they didn’t comprehend that my life was different then they thought. They tell me something and expect me to just give in to their questions, their traps, and their hateful distaste of bitterness to life. I hated why everyone had to get someone in trouble, people wouldn’t just do what they were supposed to do. Every day was a nightmare and I wasn’t just dreaming it, no, I was living it too. Day in and day out they would find something to yell about. Everyday my bitterness and anger and hate for this awful life that was and is made my very heart burst and pound the drums of thunder, my very soul weaken from disapproving emotions that lingered in my body. My own thoughts were not of suicide, no I wanted to live. They were not of revenge, no I followed Gods laws. They were of but the very feeling of hate and regret, yes the very thought that make on go absolutely and utterly insane. I hated it all and every thought turned my utter craziness into a new level with each more drop of the liquid of hate. Why I was so angry I didn’t know, I didn’t care, I just knew I was. I picked myself up and ran into the house, slammed the door and let my emotions linger inside of me. I let them build a nest inside my very soul, waiting until one day when they would come out and show their true colors of red, orange and yellow, The colors of hate, death, and anger. I stayed in my room the rest of the night until morning came I was not going to with the slightest bit show my emotions, listen, or care what people said. If they asked me a question I would merely answer them and turn away and nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, else. I showed no interest in their words, no desire to hear the lies that came from their tongue. The constant “we’ll take her” or “make yourself right at home” or especially “We love you.” No those were al lies, one after another said and proven to be wrong. I merely went about my day with a look of disgust. That’s how it was, that’s how I dealt with it, I didn’t care, but neither did they so why did it matter? I find myself crying in an hour or two anyway and in a questioning state. I hate, I love, I give, I share, I grief, I cry, isn’t that enough. No! Fate has its own way of playing games on you its own way of turning the tables and it won’t let someone just walk by with one ounce of pity. So coming from school every day to house of yelling and screaming was not enough for fate to torment me, no, it had to move me to another house where I would be kicked and pushed around like a party piñata.
This house was the same there was yelling and screaming and fighting and the common disarray of people not caring, but there was one thing I always heard that stuck to the back of my head, like bubble gum to a little girls hair that you just can’t seem to get out, my mom always said “Your staying here, I don’t care what you do, I will always love you.” I fought so hard it’s not even funny; everyone had said that, did she really mean it? She always said it though and she never gave up on me. To this day she has a scar from me that will always be from when I scratched her, and yet she knows that it’s going to be there but she still loves me. CPS said no one could adopt me, that she couldn’t adopt me, and she said watch me. She took classes and everything else to get me. I had been in foster care since 2000, separated from my brother and sister and this lady is trying to get me adopted. I questioned god for the longest time why me, I even asked her why did you want to adopt me and she said why not.
I had been separated from my brother and sister since 2000 and visited them once or twice but never was really with them. I missed three years of their life because some stupid agency thought I couldn’t handle being with them, they said I had problems. But really was I the one that had problems or is it the problem that I couldn’t see my brother and sister for three years. I never thought I would see them again until February 14 2004 when I became an official family with them I was adopted and I had a family to call my own and every night before I got to be I have someone I can say goodnight, love you, see you in the morning, who will actually be there to say it back too.
I wake up every morning with a different perspective of life I wonder if someone out there is feeling the same way I do. A feeling that they too will wonder why fate has brought nothing but misery and hate into their lives but then I know that everywhere where there is hate there is love and a constant knowing that I can hate everything as much as I want but I can always help and love someone that needs it most. When I see someone who needs a hug I give to them because I’ve learned that’s best thing you can do. When I got adopted I realized that it’s not fate wanted me to have a hateful life no I just thought that because I didn’t know what to think, I realize that fate has its own way of saying see someone does care. God is fate and he acted through my mom to adopt me and I thank fate everyday for it.

Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

Site Feedback