The Letter I Wish I Could Send-Take Two

September 20, 2009
By , Tulsa, OK
Yesterday I wrote an article called, “The Letter I Wish I Could Send.” Just now, I realized that what I wrote was the wrong letter. I wrote a letter using “you statements,” basically what that means is I assigned blame to him, when I should have used “I statements,” to tell how I felt about. So, here’s a re-write of “The Letter I Wish I Could Send.”

Dear You,

I was hurt by what you did. I loved you. I hate that you cheated me. I trusted you. I was so scared that you would betray me, and you met my worst expectations. You were my first love, but apparently not the great love of my life. I wish you had just broken-up with me, instead of dragging it out.

One would think after the hurt I felt, I would have loved the feeling of breaking up with you. I didn’t. I cried so much that night, and for nights and nights afterward. Then I decided you weren’t worth my tears, but thinking that only helped so much.

I am afraid that you never loved me. I am afraid that our whole relationship might have been lies. I am afraid you might not have ever considered me your girlfriend. I wonder if you hated talking to me and texting me in the last few weeks of our "relationship", or whatever it was.

I feel particularly betrayed by what you did given that I told you about my friends whose boyfriends were cheating on them, and you acted like those guys were jerks. At least that’s how I interoperated what you said. I guess I should be glad you cheated so early, imagine if we had "dated" longer. What if I had done the things with you that we talked about? When I think of it that way I guess I am almost happy with how things turned out.

Thinking back, I realize that you texted me less in the time that I now know to be the time you were dating her. I wish I had followed my instincts and asked, or broken up with you. There were honestly times when I wondered if you were cheating on me, but then you’d text and say something sweet, and I’d blow off my concerns. I should have trusted myself, not you. I guess I learned a lesson from you. I should trust myself before and more than any guy.

When I was stupid enough to text you, that awful night after we broke up, and asked if you had ever loved me, you texted me the next day and said you had really loved me. I hated seeing the past tense of that word that I once thought was the best word in the English language. Love isn’t real for teenagers, I am beginning to think.

It hurt me so much when you said you’d been dating her for about two weeks. I began to question everything you ever said. I keep wondering if you loved me ever. It seems like maybe it was all fake, that explanation makes more sense than anything else.

I can’t believe the e-mail I was stupid enough to send you, the one where I sent you the articles that were partially about you that I had written for Teen Ink. The one where I said I wanted to be friends with you at some point. The e-mail where I apologized for how mean my wonderful friends were to you.

For one thing, my friends were right in what they said, forget apologizing. And I shouldn’t be friends with you, ever, though I still want to. And those things I wrote, well they were true, but I shouldn’t have let you see my weakness.

I felt like the reply you sent was unfair. It made me feel even more pain. The line, about “if things don’t work out” [with you and your new girl, I assume you mean] that you hoped I’d give you a second chance, made me feel pain again, but also a sick sense of hope. I do not believe that you really still have some feelings for me, like you said. It seems like with your having lied to me makes that an impossible idea.

I have to say, I still wish that I hadn’t had to break-up with you, every day I wish I could wake up and find that it was all a dream. I so want to be able to just call and hear your voice and hear you say it will all be okay. I have the best friends in the world to lean on, but a lot of days all I want the one person (you) who I am not allowed to need anymore.

If nothing else I want the me I was before you back. I’m not sure how to go back to just being girl, minus boy. I am a different person because of you, whether that’s good or bad, I’m not sure.

I wish I could actually send you this letter. Maybe I will. I am a strong, confident, empowered young woman, and maybe, just maybe, I have the power to send you the words I wish I could say.


----Okay…writing that letter was defiantly not as satisfying as writing the letter where I was mean and blamed him, but this letter is the proper one...I submitted both letters to Teen Ink, regardless....

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