The Letter I Wish I Could Send

September 20, 2009
By , Tulsa, OK
This is the letter I wish I could e-mail him. That guy. The guy my friends and I like to call “the jerk.”

Dear You,


You hurt me. I loved you. You cheated on me. You said you’d never do that to me. I trusted you. I was so scared that you would betray me, and you met my worst expectations. You were my first love, but apparently not the great love of my life. If you had *ever* really loved me you would have just broken up with me, and not drug it out, causing me more pain.


How dare you think you were so good you’d never get caught? If you don’t want to get caught cheating, you shouldn’t change your Facebook relationship status to dating another girl where anyone can see it! That would be Cheating 101, if there was such a thing. Just as a general rule you probably shouldn’t post anything like that publicly unless you mean it as a break-up.

Oh my god. Is that what you meant it as? Were you hoping I’d break-up with you when I saw it? Nah, couldn’t be. When I confronted you on that, you said it was an accident, one of your friends posted it or something, and it meant nothing, and I was stupid enough to believe you. Then a few days later I saw the comment you posted on her picture. How could you say you loved her, when you were saying you loved me? Why the heck did you not break up with me?

One would think after what you did I would have loved the feeling of breaking up with you. I didn’t. You know that I cried so much that night? And for nights and nights afterwards? Then I decided you weren’t worth my tears, but thinking that only helped so much.

Obliviously there are some things I wish I could ask you. How long did you not love me for? Did you ever even love me? What all did you lie about? Did you ever really consider me your girlfriend? Did you dread talking to me? Did my texts make you cringe? How did you talk to me like nothing was up?

How could you do that to me? I told you about my friends whose boyfriends were cheating on them, and you acted like those guys were jerks. At least that’s how I interoperated what you said. Maybe you were just thinking how wonderful you were for not getting caught. I guess I should be glad you cheated so early, imagine if you and I had dated longer. What if I had done the things with you that you and I talked about? When I think of it that way I guess I am almost happy with how things turned out.

Thinking back, I realize that you texted me less in the time that I now know to be the time you were dating her. I wish I had followed my instincts and asked, or broken up with you. There were honestly times when I wondered if you were cheating on me, but then you’d text and say something sweet, and I’d blow off my concerns. I should have trusted myself, not you. I guess I learned a lesson from you. I should trust myself before and more than any guy.

When I was stupid enough to text you, that awful night after we broke up, and asked if you had ever loved me, you texted me the next day and said you had really loved me. I hated seeing the past tense of that word that I once thought was the best word in the English language. Love isn’t real for teenagers, I am beginning to think.

You said you’d been dating her about two weeks. You lied to me for that long? I seriously can’t comprehend how you could think that was okay. I keep wondering if you loved me ever. It seems like maybe it was all fake, that makes more sense than anything else.
I can’t believe the e-mail I was stupid enough to send you, the one where I sent you the articles that were partially about you I had written for Teen Ink. The one where I said I wanted to be friends with you at some point. The e-mail where I apologized for how mean my wonderful friends were to you.

For one thing, my friends were right in what they said, forget apologizing. And I shouldn’t be friends with you, ever, though I still want to. And those things I wrote, well they were true, but I shouldn’t have let you see my weakness.

And your reply! Your reply was presumptuous, and pompous, and so oh my god in the worst way, I can’t even describe it! You said you wanted to be friends, and “if things didn’t work out” (I assume you mean, with you and that girl) that you hoped I’d give you another chance. You said you still felt strongly for me or some B.S. like that. Whatever, I don’t believe it. By the way, unless I am more pathetic than I like to think, the answer, if that ever comes up, is no because I will never feel anything but hate for you again.

Actually, that’s a lie. I will probably never stop feeling something for you. You were my first love. Of course there are still feelings. Always will be. But *most* of my heart will move on. I will love many guys so much more than I loved you-at least that would be the goal and hope.

You cannot even imagine how much I still wish that I hadn’t had to break-up with you, how much every day I wish I could wake up and find that it was all a dream. You cannot imagine how much I want to be able to just call and hear your voice and hear you say it will all be okay. I have the best friends in the world to lean on, but a lot of days all I want the one person (you) who I am not allowed to need anymore.

If nothing else I want the me I was before you back. I’m not sure how to go back to just being girl, minus boy. I am a different person because of you, whether that’s good or bad, I’m not sure.

I wish I could actually send you this letter. Maybe I will. I am a strong, confident, empowered young woman, and maybe, just maybe, I have the power to send you the words I wish I could say.

Sincerely,

ME





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