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Dear God, I am sorry....
I must apologize. I use to blame you for everything. When Granny died, I fell into mom’s arms. She held me tightly and rocked me back and worth. While she held me, I screamed for you. I screamed for your help, over and over again. You never came. You left me there in my pain. Not only was my Grandmother dead but I felt abandoned by you. I needed you more then anyone but there was so much pain in my heart that I couldn’t understand why you didn’t help me.
Even though you were not there I fought. I fought like hell (excuse my language) to remain sane. Life got worse and I was struggling just to make it through the day. Each night, I still prayed to you. I prayed for you to forgive me for anything I did because I needed you. I thought you were mad at me. I thought I had done something that had made you stop loving me. I asked for forgiveness and I asked for you help.
Even without you, the pain should of eased over time, right? That’s what they all say but each month that past I got worse. I was so depressed. I cried every night an I had thoughts of suicide more then once. With my depression came anger. A lot of anger. I started hating life. I hated school. I hated teachers. I hated students. I resented my friends and family. Everyone was so oblivious to my pain. Just like you seemed to be. I wanted to SCREAM!!! But yet, I remained silent. I realize you weren’t going to help. I decided I didn’t need anyone because the world didn’t seem to need me.
Finally, I gave up. I gave up on you an on everyone else. I lost myself an I gave up on life. I didn’t care what happened. My mind, my faith, and my life was dead. But my heart kept beating…in a way I was fighting without realizing it.
Eventually, I got in trouble at school. At that moment I was forced to show the scars that were dug in deep into my heart and soul. That wasn’t a walk in the park either, do you realize how hard it was to show my pain to my mother? The only person that I wasn’t mad or angry at. The only person that allowed me to grieve while she protected me.
I was more then depressed for a little over a year. I cried. I hurt. I remained trapped in my silent anger for what felt like forever. I use to blame you for that… Now not so much.
I truly believe that you wouldn’t give me anything that I couldn’t handle but why did you trust me so much? Why did you put my life in my own hands like that? What if I wasn’t strong enough an I had given into those dangerous thoughts? How did you know I would be strong enough?
I am stronger now but I wasn’t then. I was so weak then. Did you really believe in me so much? What if I did fail? We both know where I would be… or should I say, where I wouldn’t be. I realize now it was a lesson I had to learn. I realize that you showed me how strong I was. I am sorry I lost faith in you but I was….lost.
Now that I am steady ground, I am starting to be happier. You wouldn’t just make me happy on your own, would you? Nope. You made me, find my own happiness in all of that pain. You never make anything easy but in the end it usually turns out okay. It just hurts like hell (Sorry again for the language) in the process.
Can you promise me, not to ‘teach’ me anything for at least 4 or 5 years? (I would ask for 10 years or 30 years but I don’t I want to sound greedy.) I am stronger then I was but if anything like that happened again, the battle would be 100 times worse. I don’t think I would win.
…….then again, as long as my family is safe an alive then teach me all the lessons you need too. Because as long as my family is healthy and here to help me, then I know I would make it.
Thank you for your time,
See ya tonight in my prayers,
Thank you for everything,
Please keep momma, daddy, Jessie, an Ashley safe and HEALTHY!
Please keep Granny, Pa, and babba Clay safe and send my love to them.
Kristen Dawn Wilson
P.S. My Friend Christina is going through a hard time lately, please don’t put her through what I went through. Keep her safe and surrounded by love.