My Dreams

September 7, 2009
Sleeping wonders, dangerous nightmares, and unrealistic worlds that makes our dream impossibly legit. Not many dreams are deciphered the way we desire and end up being questioned of our ability to understand. Dreams is our subconscious mind complaints of worries, justice, and fears, to understand our dreams, we have to unlock the combination that makes up the code that encase the truth and meanings. Falling from the sky and standing in front of the class naked, are just symbols that the mind is trying to warn and inform us. There are many answers out in the world from books and the internet, but what is the actually significance of our dreams? There is never a true meaning unless we know our self well as we know others, which seem as an impossible but simple task.

I always have nightmares in my sleep as a child but as well as a young adult, some was about giant animals devouring my family, bizarre worlds, yet most was about death. I never fully understand the concepts of my dreams, and I would question myself. I wondered if it was the actually fear of death or the view of new beginnings that frightened me. To tell you truthfully and honestly, I'm not a very religious person, and I don't want to be patronized because of my beliefs. Being lectured in Sunday school about being a critic and arrogant when all I was asking was, "Why?" I was only a mere child and what other logical questions could I ask? I didn't have a mind of a rocket scientist or education of a graduate, and telling a child that they don't have the right to their own opinion? Which made me more terrified about dying, I would stay up all night and hit my head to relinquish my sins and be purified, but it didn't work as I was a child. I still committed the wrong doing and repeat the cycle of praying and self harm over and over again. Apparently one night, I told myself that enough was enough and I was damned to hell for all eternity. Like I said, I was a child and didn't get the answers for my questions, and the answers to my questions gave me more mysteries. I am not saying that religion is horrible and people are fools to believe in such faith, what I am trying to say is that there are people who get lost in the process of faith and devotion.

So, I began my journey to find my faith and put my life back in order. At age thirteen I shouldn't be worried about my life's journey, I should be worried about clothes and my rapidly growing body. My friends who surrounded me had a place in the world and they knew it, but the only person who didn't was me. They don't get panic attacks or have depression so bad that they couldn't even get out of the bed. I went to different churches, temples, and even join occults to find that place in the world. My decisions and choices weren't very, smart, jumping to conclusions was never a guaranteed success and I learned it the severe way. I realized that faith wasn't something that is form within a day; it takes devotion and commitment that sprout from seeds that was planted from hope. My parents never found out of my journey and they probably never will they wouldn't accept that their own daughter was an atheist and she was just in a phase. This isn't a phase, I know where I am but I just don't know what I'm looking for. How was I accepted in a community that have their own ideas and thought with narrow minds? It seemed impossible.

Ironically, I was still in Sunday school, I began to become a rebel and denied every single word they told me. I skip prayer and leave the grounds until my parents came to pick me up, and no one ever noticed, which was amazing. I argued with the teachers and mocked the students on their beliefs, telling them that my opinion was correct.

Without noticing what I was doing, I encountered how narrowed minded I was, that I became the person I was afraid of. I never listened to them and if they tried to start a conversation, I was try my best to bring them down. Eventually, I ended up trying to listen to their stories of miracles and wonder, how fascinating it was to listen. The glistens in their eyes had finally had significance toward it, which I treasured. Not only that their stories were inspiring but it gave me a flicker of hope.

The first person to find out was my eldest sister after a nightmare woke me and my panic attack worsened. I told her about everything, I cried and she also cried. She was in denial and told me the only solution was to pray, which made me snapped, all the years of searching and being an outcast and she told me to pray? The anger in me finally boiled and I screamed, "What do you mean I need to pray? Do you know how long I have been praying? Do you know how many nights that I had wishing that I can finally sleep in peace without having to wake up screaming? And all you said was to pray?" I knew at that moment, I over-reacted and hurt her feelings, so she began to cry and replied, "It's always about you, isn't it? When you’re not happy then nobody deserves to be happy, what am I suppose to say? I don't have the all the answers to every goddamn problem. You don' think I wonder about what’s happens? Do you understand how I feel about being hopeless or losing a friend that I might never see again? The only reason that I pray is to have hope."

After the incident, it made me think, was I that selfish and self-centered? Was I too blind to notice the world's problem that encircled me? It seemed so, consumed by the obsession to find faith and personal gain led me to near insanity. What was I suppose to do? What can I do?

Well for one thing, I cannot wallow about the future or the past, I cannot think that if I am dead that it is the end, the only answer to every question similar to this is to live in the moment and never look in the past or present. Don't let questions go through closed minds but to live with an open mind with open possibilities. Take risks, take nothing for granted and recognize how short live we humans are. And I do know that if I post this, there will be mix comments and I might be disliked but if I am, then words are just words until meaning is involved.

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redcg416 said...
Dec. 6, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Thank you for writing this. It was a great peice.
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