I'm crumbling.

September 7, 2009
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I don't belong,I'm a mistake.
Tell me I'm wrong.
I won't listen.
I have a fascination with mental disorders,they intrique me.
It takes a sick person,to actually want to have a mental problem.
Or to be around people that are so unfortunate to have such issues.
I've struggled with self esteem since I was a small child.
I've always hated myself.
I've always beleived in some way or another,my parents were disappointed to have a daughter like me.
I used to wonder if they had 'that other little girl' as a child,if they'd be happier.
I'm a burdon,I've always been a burdon.
I've had my share of S.I's.
And I'm not proud of it.
I've let boys take advantage of me.
I wanted to feel like I belonged.

If only for a few seconds..

My parents don't know me.They don't even know my favorite cereal.
They say they love me from time to time,but..

Can you ever really know for sure?

Sure,it takes trust.You have to trust them,and beleive them.
What if you don't know how to trust?
I think I trust them..are humans programmed to know if they trust someone or not?

Even if you do,they usually turn on you anyway.
So,if you're in that logic,I beleive I'll stick to my own way of dealing with that shrill,overused word.

Trust,and Love.

A five letter word,and a four letter word.

Which one is more demolishing?

All the other people that surround me,act as if they know its all real..that they know it is in fact all true.
Like they actually know what they're doing.
Is it only me?
Is it only me that ever feels different?
I see the looks,and smirks that strive on all of their faces..
Mine's always different.

Oh,what a tangled web we weave.
I'm broken.

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This article has 9 comments. Post your own now!

Jan. 12, 2012 at 2:09 pm
tpurplecrayon said...
Nov. 27, 2010 at 10:55 am
I have that weird interest in mental disorders too. Its like i want to be feared, and not loved.
kayteexd said...
Dec. 20, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Wow everything you wrote about is completely true for me too (and apparently for the other two people who posted comments) I was actually thinking about this a few minutes ago and then I read what you wrote and wow....it's like exactly the same! Weird haha
ToxicsOwl This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Dec. 20, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I was really hoping I wasn't the only one,haha. This comment made me smile.:) It's nice to know,here where I live,no one can relate. I'm glad there are actually people out there who can. You just brightened my day. :)
kayteexd replied...
Dec. 20, 2009 at 9:02 pm
no problem =))) glad I found somebody too!
~Wolf-Woman~ replied...
Feb. 2, 2010 at 8:40 pm
I know how both of you guys feel. Thats exactly how I feel. You can add me to your guy's group. :)
poetry_addict replied...
Jun. 14, 2010 at 2:02 pm
see an i thought i was alone....
Unhealthy said...
Sept. 24, 2009 at 10:43 am
this is going to sound really strange...but..i have a journal entry that sounds really similar to this...FINALLY someone i can relate to...
oliviagabrielle18 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 19, 2009 at 7:07 pm
this relates to me in every single way..
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