You kiss my neck, and I die for a moment. You kiss my neck and I feel bliss, for a moment. Those moments, those seconds, those minutes I can't forget you. I won't forget you. I don't want to forget you. I want you, I want to hold you, touch you, feel you on my skin. I want to be part of your identity. Drink me in, i'll be your new drug of choice. I'll replace the whiskey and beer. All you need is me, all I need is you. You kiss me on my neck and I forget where I am, for a moment. How exquisite that moment is. I know nothing, other than your lips, my skin, your touch, the beating of my heart. Strong, steady beating, reminding me you're here. Reminding me this is real. This feeling is real. What is this feeling? It's hues of red and gold, never fading. The colors stay in the back of my eye like a bright memory, I look on you when things go bad in my life. I remember you when I'm faced with difficulty, when my iconoclastic ideals trouble the surrounding "loved" ones. They shudder at my treachery. I shudder at your embrace. Drink me in until you are drunk. I want to course through your veins, your blood, red, dripping from the open wound that i've created in your soul. Or maybe I haven't. Maybe you don't care, maybe you never did. In the place where My Heart used to be, before she left me, you make me feel again. Before the beautiful, fiery temptress left me. Before the sweetly sullen black hand of death plucked her from my life, plucked her from this earth, plucked her from existence. That day, the wind grew cold and white. Frost on the ground, the grass crunching under my unsteady footsteps. I lost who I was, when I lost you. Frozen, frozen, frozen in time. My heart stopped beating with you. Every breath I took, from that moment on, would slowly defrost my heart. The pale orange heat escaping my mouth, I knew it was there all along, I have it inside me. The strength, the strength to move forward. Never forgetting, never forgetting you. I love you. I am you. I am you all the way down through my skin, into my bones. Do you feel me? Do you feel me, still alive, still moving, still learning while you watch me make my mistakes in the afternoon twilight, spinning, spinning so dizzy from my fall. I fall, you're not there to catch. Whose there to catch me now? You take me to the field when my eyes are closed. The field by our home. Funny, how different the word "home"distinguishes from "house." To emanate such different characteristics is to be noted. I'm home, when my eyes are closed. The soft breeze flips my hair about my face, I breathe in the sunset. Gold, orange, yellow, pale blue. All colors reminding me of you. The scent of lilacs and lake water, wood and chimney smoke. The soft crunch of frosted grass underneath my unsteady footsteps. I listen to the silence, in awe of such perfection. I hear the snowflakes drop to the ground, each unique in its creation. Each crystalline structure sound, asymmetrical, and absolutely breath taking. Study the world, learn from its flaws and mishaps. We're all flaws and mishaps, in our own consummation. I walk to the boulder where you and I used to hold hands. I climb, climb, slip, and then climb some more. I sit at the top of this prominent rock, waiting. I'm waiting for you, waiting for the memories to flood my mind so I can leave the moment I am now in, and return to my past, Return to the memories of my past, where nothing mattered. Where love was all. Where I could smell the sunshine and taste laughter. When I was with you, I could smell the sunshine and taste laughter. My senses flurried. My being tumultuous. Ecstasy, noting less. Careless, carefree, no weight, no harm; I breathed with ease, I felt each event like it were a new discovery, a new way of thinking. A new way of learning life. I sit on this rock and remember your shrill, comforting laugh. The imperfection of your teeth, and your fire engine red hair, curling about your back. I remember you in the morning, hating the morning, as much as I hate the morning. I love how you loved me. I love that I've quintessentially become just like you. Maybe faltering some, in finding myself. In seeing clearly. As I open my mouth and breathe the crisp cold air deep down into my lungs, I can almost hear your voice. I break down. There, sitting on the rock, the rock where we used to spend summer afternoons turned to night, watching butterflies and caterpillars inch their way around the world, believing in all possibilities, existing as though the world could not have a tear. Tear, tear, tear me away from this beautiful dream I have. It only hurts worse when I wake up and realize, I am a juvenile delinquent. Close my eyes, touch the rock, fingers fumbling against its rugged curves and edges. You please me, and yet, you are such a simple product of mother nature. What happiness can be found in the most rudimentary objects. Lifeless object reminds me of the time I was most alive. Funny. I smell the pine trees and the clean smell of fresh snow falling about me as if I belong. Here, hidden by trees, sitting on this rock, I am exactly who I am supposed to be. A believer. Deep down, I believe still. Don't let me fool you. I cry. I cry for how much I miss you. I cry for this feeling I have. I'm not sure what it is, or what it means. I simply know that this is the strongest emotion I have ever felt, its penetrates every inch of my person, drowning me like quicksand. I can't escape, no matter how much I try. You course through my veins, this is why I miss you every second of every day. I walk around feeling like Im half a person. Like I'm missing my other side. Maybe this is why i see an asymmetrical face when I look in the mirror. I breathe slowly, get up, and walk away. I leave the place where I am most happy, and also most wrought with grief. Then I think of you. I think of your kiss on my neck. And I remember that there's more than once place that can make me feel alive. In your bed with blue sheets and red blankets, you play mickey avalon and smoke cigarettes out your bathroom window. You tickle me all night, until I can't breathe from laughter. And I give this all up. I've given this all up. You're happy for me, you want me to be happy. But can't you see that what I want is you? Can't you see that I'm attached, I'm attached to you in the worst way possible, in the best way possible. There in your bed of blue sheets and red fleece blankets, you fall asleep with me in your arms. As I don't sleep, I lay and stare into your face. I think about your blue eyes. I think about how close I felt to you the night I cried in your arms. I think about how you're in as much pain as I am, you hurt the same way I do, you ache in the same places I ache. You can't beat that. You can't match that. You can't replace that. I don't want to replace you, can't you understand that? Kiss me on my neck one last time. Tell me I belong only in your arms. Never, ever let me go. I want to stay after 630 am, I want to spend the day in your bed with you. I don't want to take a cab home, feeling butterflies in my stomach because you make me so heart wrenchingly happy. So happy. So happy I almost forgot to breathe. Promise your mine forever. Promise me I can have you, whenever, where ever, I want. My lips parted, unfurled, I want you.
I really do.
February 10, 2009