I don’t give in to life. Life has f***ed me over so many times; it doesn’t deserve me to give into it. Not a chance. Yet it seems that is all I’m doing. I’m giving in to inevitabilities that scare the cr*p out of me. I can’t give myself away like that. I cannot do that again. I can’t lose control of everything because of someone else. I won’t ever make that mistake again. I won’t ever have so much hope again. You wish for too much then when you don’t get it, everything falls piece by piece. It crashes into you, and breaks down every single one of your defenses. A subtle reminder that it doesn’t matter how many walls you build up, nothing is every meant to last. I can’t always live in these regrets. I can’t keep living the past. I’m losing everything right in front of my face and I can't lose everything again. I don’t know if I will be able to make it through the other side again.
May 13, 2009