Butterflies | Teen Ink


October 10, 2019
By jtrav116 BRONZE, Lambertville, Michigan
jtrav116 BRONZE, Lambertville, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

I remember waking up early that day because my friend told me watching the sunrise is something that you shouldn’t miss. I wanted to see all the beauty in the world that I had overlooked for too long. I wanted to reinvent myself in order to be the best I am capable of being. As the bright ball of yellow finally edged over the treetops I had a notion that this day would be perfect. I was wrong. 

The school smelled just as dingy as every day, yet I sensed something else in the air. As I grabbed my last textbook out of my locker and turned around, I discovered the new aroma that was wafting towards me. I ran right into you. As we collided, our worlds did as well. Your musky fragrance filled my nostrils and I was completely dazed for a few seconds, but it felt like a few years. I didn’t even notice that my textbooks were sprawled across the hallway. Most people didn’t even care and just strolled right over the books as if to protest the evils of the classroom. Our eyes were locked on each other even as you helped me pick my belongings back up. As the second bell started ringing, you wrote your number in my chemistry book. I practically danced away because I felt something new entering my already full heart. For the rest of the day, my mind couldn’t focus. At lunch, I just gazed off into a void of possibility and wonder while my friends probably thought I needed to be checked into a psych ward. I didn't have the time or the need to eat anything that day because I was too nervous about what was to come. Butterflies filled my stomach. 

The day I met you I just couldn’t stop myself from turning a hot shade of pink from the pure attraction that I could sense between us. I could already picture a relationship panning out in my imagination. I wanted to feel something. I yearned to be loved. We did become something for a while, but it was something that you kept a secret from the outside world, something you stuck in the back pocket of your ripped jeans and only took out when you got home. Your reputation was just too much to set down. Your pride kept us apart. We started to fall apart because you couldn’t carry the burden of our love. But I held onto every inch of the possibility that we could still be together. You meant too much to me to just let go. Your ocean blue eyes captivated every inch of my existence. Your lopsided smile filled me with joy. Your perfectly combed brown hair made me fall in love over and over again. Your skin gave off a warmth that could be felt across the room. You could have been mistaken for James Dean in broad daylight. You emanated poetry with every step you took. You gave me inspiration for who I wanted to be. When we danced I could feel the moonlight radiating off us. I would travel across the world just to say I had been with you for a day. I would marry you with paper rings if we had no money. You were my everything. I was nothing to you. 

I’ll never forget the day you were at my house for the last time. You decided it wasn’t working out. You told me it was over. After tasting a salty tear run into my mouth I snapped back into the moment. You were physically there but emotionally departed. The love that was once burning bright between us had turned into a cold lump of coal that blackened our hearts. I was left with an emptiness that I had never felt before, something I never wanted to feel. Sometimes I yearn to go back to our past and relive our best memories, I can hear them singing in my mind. Then again, looking back I can count every single fault that there was. I couldn’t tell you why I still want to be by your side to this day. Maybe I like to be hurt sometimes.

You drove home in the pouring rain and left me alone calling your name. The tears streaming down my face seemed to equal the raindrops outside. I simply couldn’t comprehend the fact that we were done. I couldn’t understand why you would want to hurt me this much. You broke me apart. You broke me into countless pieces and I doubt I’ll ever be fully put back together again. I began hating myself for never being good enough, to be enough for you. I went through sleepless nights tossing and turning because I never knew what you wanted. I finally figured out that it wasn’t what you wanted, but what you didn’t want - me. We fell in love under the sunsets of gorgeous spring, but you got up and walked away during that cruel summer. You took me to places that I’d never been before, higher than I might ever be again, but you dropped me into the dust. I was a toy that you enjoyed for your own pleasure but never really cared about. I gave you every single essence of my being and you gave me nothing. I was left empty. I may have an empty heart, but I still have a working brain. I have learned the lesson in trusting people like you. I learned not to trust you. 

Maybe I should thank you for the “hate you”s because those are what made me who I am today. I’m better off without the shackles of you hanging onto every moment I exist in. I still think about you every day, but the tears don’t fall as much anymore. Every day I become stronger than the day before. I have learned the power of writing down my feelings and locking them away because they shouldn’t be my burdens anymore. Maybe I’m expecting an apology for leading me into something that you knew I would get hurt in at the end, but I’ve given up waiting. I’m saying goodbye to love until someone gives it back to me. Butterflies will break your heart.

The author's comments:

I am currently a Junior in high school and this experience happened to me a little under a year from writing it down. This memoir tells the story of my first relationship of any kind with a guy. I learned a lot about myself not only by going through this experience but also by writing it down and sharing my personal memoir with the world. I hope you learn something through my writing!

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This article has 2 comments.

on Oct. 22 2019 at 1:46 pm
jtrav116 BRONZE, Lambertville, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 1 comment
@Swift1989 Actually, I was inspired by many artists, including Taylor Swift, as I was writing this memoir. Music was a big part of what got me through this situation and it has helped me countless times before so it was natural for me to feed into that a little bit. I feel like taking words that have meant so much to me and interpreting them into a situation that truly gives my story another depth that I wanted. Thank you so much for reading my memoir!

Swift1989 said...
on Oct. 22 2019 at 11:45 am
Swift1989, Lapeer, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
I was wondering if you were inspired by Taylor Swift when writing this memoir. I noticed lots of references to song titles and lyrics. I would appreciate a reply, thank you!