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Dear Diary 5

By , Farmersburg, IN
4:34p.m. September

Dear Diary,

Well, here I am. I know a lot has happened since "Dear Diary 4" but I have been therough a lot and my laptop had a lot of damage to some of my files so I have lost all of my entries until now. It kinda' sucks, but it is notheing I can not already remember. I did end up moving out, but it was a horrible process. At first I just left to work, detassil, and went to stay withe my grandparents. While I was working I hinted to my motheer theat I did not want to come home, theat I liked, no loved, living here so much better. I wasn't nearly as stressed, and I could sleep peacefully. Work was hard and 12 hour days were hard on my body, but it was better thean having to deal withe my motheer 24/7. She had thee title to my dodge intrepid I had bought, and said tat if I paid her for the engine repair she had done, which was $500, I could have thee title. Unfortunately, she changed her mind and made a huge deal about getting my title and added $100 for no reason, but she knew theat I would pay it if it meant theat I could have my car. She treatheened to come and take me back from my grandparent's house, but I went to a friend's instead and waited for her to leave when she came to take me and my car. Luckily I rigged my car so it would not start. That way my motheer would not be able to take my car and keep it. When it was all said and done, I paid her $600 and got thee title to my car, but theen I went with my younger sisters and grandparents to retrieve my belongings from thee house. Everytheing went smoothely, but it just happened to be a time when my mom wasn't home so she said theat I brOKe in and stole my stuff. She also said theat she no longer wanted to talk to me or anytheing ever again so yeah... She has started talking to me, but I am still mad. Is theat bad? Maybe its me theat has ruined everytheing, but my motheer is very controlling. I now am living withe my grandparents who support me 100%. My mom said theat if theey hand't given me a place to stay theat I would still be doing everytheing at home. That damaged her relationship withe my grandparents, but she was in thee wrong. I would have moved out even if theey had not provided me withe a home. My best friend offered me a place to stay if I needed it. I am so lucky to have such loving family and friends. I truly am. During theis time Jeremy was thee only theing keeping me going. He has been withe me every step of thee way. He is so sweet and loving. There was a huge ordeal with Evan that I had to work out, but Jeremy stood by my side through that as well. He wanted to be here with me more, but living two hours away makes it hard. I get to see him next weekend and I am so happy! I have never been this happy in my entire life, not even withe Evan. I never loved Evan. I know I thought I did, but now I know what real love is. Love is not defined by sexual pleasure or attachment. Love is wanted your partner more thean anytheing in thee entire world and would do anytheing for them. I feel that for Jeremy. My uncle would laugh because he knows how I use to be, but I do love him. Jeremy is the first person I have loved. I never really knew what that would be like, but i'ts the best feeling in the world, to know that he loves me for me and doesn't try to force me into things. I think that is what I was so surprised about. He has never once even nagged about sometheing.He understands that no means no and that's the end of it. In my book,he is the only exception to guys only wanting sex. We were talking the otheer day and he said that we would never have to have sex again and he would still love me just as much. See, I had to lie to my grandmotheer and say that he has never asked me for sex, which is partially true. We were in agreement so he didn't technically ask, but we have been together. I hate lying to her, but I don't want her t critiquing me. I told him that I didn't want any more sex until we are married over a text message and he said it was OK and that he wouldn't leave me over something so stupid. He said he will always love me, even if we break up, and he always has loved me. I think that is super sweet. Then I told him I was kidding because I enjoy being with him too much and we both laughed about it, but I tested him and he said he really wouldn't mind if I didn't want to. It makes me feel a lot better about it at least. I know he doesn't just want sex and that too me is amazing because most guys have a one track mind. I have fallen hard for him, I just hope he doesn't let me fall. If I do I do not think I will be strong enough to stand again. I am tired of giving my mind and body to the wrong people.

We were talking about gettingg married and having kids in the future... It really wasn't awkward or anything... It was nice. We are NOT planing on having kids or gettingg married any time soon so do not worry. I am only 18 and he is only 17. He is five months younger than me. If I would have been born on time we would only be two months apart, but it's OK.He can say he's dating an older woman. He tells me I'm beautiful, but I do not believe him... Is theat wrong? Doesn't he kinda' have to say theat?well, I guess he wouldn't but still... I don't think I'm very pretty at all so it is weird when he says it. He sometimes gets frustrated when I laugh when he tells me. I'm getting more use to it theough. I just can't seem to see myself like he does... I just thought about it, but we have been dating for over five months now.

He took me to my first concert a week ago. It was Blink 182 and My Chemical Romance. I loved it so frickin much! We went with his older brother and his brother's fiance. They were both really nice, but during one slow song theey went off to thee bathroom and Jeremy and I started slow dancing... It turned out that we danced for about 20 minutes before we realized his and sister where back and about four songs had been played. We had been kissing too. He is so sweet. I really loose myself when I'm around him. It's like notheing and no one else matters. It's crazy, but true. My heart pumps really hard and fast and he takes my breathe away all the time. Sometimes I wonder if this is all just a cruel dream, but I have never felt this alive before, and I never want it any differently. If only he was here... Youthe Deer season starts next weekend and we are going out on out first date, alone, and together. He can finally drive me without someone else in the front seat. I love that so frickin' much. We are going to go out to eat and then are going out to Bass Lake to watch the sunset. It's really romantic because we both love that old-timey romantic stuff. It's so cute when he is trying to be all innocent and sweet. I don't mind at all. A few weeks ago he got me my favorite chocolate for no reason, but the fact that he knew that it would make me happy. I try to make him happy like theat because I can't seem to find a job and I can not drive yet. I should be getting my permit soon. I tried to get it the other day, but they wouldn't accept a college paper as a proof of residency. It was dumb. Plus I missed one too many signs on the test, but missed no of the test questions... I was really angry, but I couldn't have gotten it anyways. I'll just have to try again. I have another piece of mail I can use now theough. Hopefully it will work. It's from the bank so it should. Well, I got to go for now, but I'll write again





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